Tim Bales

‘By the time you find your cabin, the trip’s over!’

‘Survivor’s guilt is killing me.’

‘The Royal Mail is very dependable. It always overpromises and underdelivers.’

‘Watching this is my way of doing something for the planet.’

‘It’s not bed bugs I want you to get rid of – it’s that bloke next door.’

‘I should warn you, there’s a waiting list to join the waiting list.’

‘All that surplus wine the French want rid of... I’ll demolish it for them!’

‘The latest government pay offer is final... until the next one.’

‘Remind me, have we had summer or is it yet to come?’

‘The drawback to some of the stand up is when the material doesn’t!’

‘Trying to find an NHS dentist is like pulling teeth – except worse.’

‘My new boyfriend has left me. Ironically, it was his get-up-and-go I fell for.’

‘My shoplifting was a disaster – this was the only thing untagged.’