Tim Bales

‘Young Conservatives will be exempt – being an endangered species.’

‘...and lots more harboured in the industry.’

‘Once we join the Garrick Club, we’ll start our campaign to get rid of all the men.’

‘Why does everyone bet on the race they’re most likely to lose on?’

‘It’s full of XL Bullies.’

‘With these prices, the main cow involved is the cash one!’

‘Sometimes the book inside you is better just left there.’

‘By the time you find your cabin, the trip’s over!’

‘Survivor’s guilt is killing me.’

‘The Royal Mail is very dependable. It always overpromises and underdelivers.’

‘Watching this is my way of doing something for the planet.’

‘It’s not bed bugs I want you to get rid of – it’s that bloke next door.’

‘I should warn you, there’s a waiting list to join the waiting list.’

‘All that surplus wine the French want rid of... I’ll demolish it for them!’