Things I am going to ban when, by popular acclaim, I am elected your Dictator For Life in 2016.
1. Onions where the brown skin doesn’t come off easily. You know the ones: where the papery outer layer clings so tightly that you have to pick it off laboriously with a sharp knife and it takes forever. I hate these onions so much. I’m pretty sure they’re all foreign, though I may be mistaken.
2. Slimline tonic water. (See also: Diet Coke; semi-skimmed milk) ‘Oh? Is it really? Sorry about that. I think it’s all we’ve got.’
‘Aspartame? Oh, is that not good?’
‘Not sure I can tell the difference, to be honest.’
‘Don’t blame me. I don’t get any say in the shopping. She buys it because she thinks I’ll lose weight.’
Look: if you’re going to make me a gin and tonic, make it properly: ice, high-end gin, boutique tonic, lemon not lime; or not at all.
3.
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