In Competition No. 2922 you were invited to invent new garments and provide definitions.
Thanks to the reader who, inspired by the emergence of the ‘slanket’, the ‘cardi-gown’ and the ‘onesie’, suggested this excellent comp.
It has been claimed that we have Sir Winston Churchill to thank for the onesie, which can be traced back to his siren suit. Britain’s wartime leader designed this all-in-one with practical considerations in mind, but ended up with quite a collection in a variety of colours, patterns and fabrics. He once wore one to the White House, and so impressed the president’s wife that she said she was having one made for her husband.
Both Brian Murdoch and W.J. Webster suggested dungaroos (a one-piece with a large pouch at the front to carry a baby). And C.J. Gleed and Frank Upton were thinking along the same lines with me-shirt (a garment adorned with the wearer’s banal jokes, vacuous loyalties or boring opinions/a tee with a personal data matrix, linking to the wearer’s social media profiles). I was also taken with Max Ross’s corbigan (any piece of woollen informality worn on formal occasions); David Silverman’s minims (denim jeans designed with so many holes in and so faded that you can hardly see any jeans); G.M. Davis’s emmanessy (descriptive of naff mid-market clothing styles that vainly attempt to hit the fashion trend); and Chris O’Carroll’s costumestible (an artificial fruit, vegetable, pastry, or other food item large enough to be worn as a costume).
The entries printed below earn their inventors £6 per garment.
Hungarees: jeans with extra room in the crotch
Purloincloth: stolen underwear
Blingerie: diamond-encrusted negligees and petticoats
Gaoloshes: prison shower clogs
Robert Schechter
Dronesie: a jumpsuit popular with USAF personnel charged with operating distance-killing
Beerstalker: headgear fitted with a concealed glass-sized pouch, popular with alcoholics who wander round parties stealing drinks
Albert Black
Flirt: a flared skirt styled in retro-acknowledgment of 1950s bobbysoxers (q.v.)
Lambretta: variation on traditional ecclesiastical headwear (esp. RC); a biretta made from lambskin
Mike Morrison
C-fronts: waterproof underwear worn by coastguards, lifeboatmen etc.
blueson: hair-shirt worn by the jilted, especially upon waking
Bill Greenwell
Mock jockney: Highland dress worn on formal occasions by men whose remote ancestors were Scottish
Luxedo: extremely expensive dinner jacket
Basil Ransome-Davies
Smellington Boots: gaily decorated waterproof footwear popular with teenage girls and worn for excessively long periods
Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead
Dockstrap: a jockstrap for the man who has undergone sex-change surgery.
Douglas G. Brown
Brousers: internet-connected legwear
Humpty: T-shirt with miserable slogan
George Simmers
Brainers: shoes with a brogue top and trainer bottom; designed for the smart but athletic businessman
W.J. Webster
Vaultfascinator: item of female headgear which looks great in the shop, vulgar at Royal Ascot
Gilletine: a cardigan from which the sleeves have been crudely cut so as to get the maximum use out of it
Adrian Fry
Kwilt: a padded tartan skirt guaranteed to keep the lower half of the body warm
C.J. Gleed
Beau tie: neckwear for gigolos
Reigncoat: the Queen’s jacket
Asunderwear: Panties that conveniently separate into two pieces
Roger Slater
Thai: oriental cravat
Slappers: brash and noisy footwear, with bells on, to attract attention at parties
G.S. Roper
Obsessories: items added, superfluously, to the wearer’s outfit, e.g., infinity scarves
John O’Byrne
Skousers: a cross between a skirt and trousers, worn by Liverpudlians
Knights: tights with built-in knickers
Jayne Osborn
No. 2925: the winter’s tale
You are invited to submit a short story of up to 150 words entitled ‘The Winter’s Tale’. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 18 November.
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