Global Rishi was absent from PMQs today. He’s busy reclining in a supersonic airline seat, paid for by someone else, as he flies back from the G20 summit, preceded by a stint at Cop27. The aim of these endless conferences is to protect us all from the curse of low taxes, falling energy bills and national sovereignty. And the negotiations are said to be going well. As he jets needlessly around the world, campaigning to stop others from jetting needlessly around the world, Rishi is probably unaware of the petty squabbles that occupy MPs.
Meanwhile, on planet earth, this is a Very Special Week in Parliament. It has its own designation and it highlights a glaring social injustice. However, which of us can actually name the important cause which is being promoted? Is it ‘keep Kent safe for migrants week?’ Could it be ‘stronger sherry for thirsty peers week?’ Or maybe it’s ‘extra dance lessons for nurses in empty corridors week?’
There it was again. The B-word was on everyone’s lips throughout the session
In fact this is anti-bullying week, which was inaugurated in 2004. The Anti-Bullying Alliance was first told that a single day would be sufficient for their campaign but when they verbally threatened a senior official they were given the full seven-day allotment. That battle isn’t over, incidentally. ‘Anti-Bullying Month’ is on the table and those responsible are aware that reprisals will follow if they refuse to comply.
All this spelt trouble for Dominic Raab, deputising for Global Rishi, because he faces accusations of aggressive conduct in the workplace. He admitted that he’d called for an enquiry as soon as he learned of the complaints but this wasn’t enough for Angela Rayner, deputy Labour leader. She demanded that he apologise, ‘as this is anti-bullying week.’ And she quoted nameless witnesses who described Raab’s conduct as, ‘abrasive, controlling and demeaning’. She said staff were too scared to enter his office and that he wasn’t allowed to meet junior civil servants unsupervised. Her voice, laden with combative scorn, scythed through the air like a fistful of hurled razors. But Raab has a hide like a bullet-proof jacket.
He’s one of the fittest men in the Commons and he visits the gym each day to pursue an exercise regime of Olympian brutality. He once split a punch-bag clean in two with his first blow of the session. And he regularly breaks the rowing-machine. Maintenance staff are on stand-by to fix the damage after his morning work-outs. And though he gets hot and bothered in the gym, he’s cool as a cucumber in the chamber. And he spotted a flaw in Rayner’s argument. She gave no hard evidence and named none of the complainants. She was merely serving up a thick buttery omelette of innuendo and rumour. He said he ‘looked forward’ refuting the allegations.
So Rayner made a fresh demand. ‘When will they appoint an independent ethics adviser and drain the swamp?’ Raab: ‘The recruitment of a new ethics adviser is already underway.’
Rayner had stumbled. The Tories rounded on her for assuming that Raab has a duty to apologise. What happened to ‘innocent till proven guilty’ cried Simon Hoare. Jacob-Rees Mogg recited a list of Labour members found guilty of abusing their minions in the Commons. And he accused the party of ‘being hyper-critical … and maybe a stronger word which is not necessarily parliamentary.’ (Mogg needs a job, clearly. That’s the subtext of his etymological display: his Rolls-Royce brain is going to waste.)
Lee Anderson sprang to Raab’s defence and put in a word for the Home Secretary who, ‘has been subjected to a vicious bullying campaign, led by the opposition, to get her sacked over the last four weeks… Keep the bully-boys out of No. 10!’ he cried.
There it was again. The B-word was on everyone’s lips throughout the session. What a marvellous day for the Anti-Bullying Alliance and its brand identity. They also accept donations. Give now or else.
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