Dear Mary…
Q. I am 16 and am looking forward to the delights of Daymer Bay in Cornwall, a meeting-ground renowned for its nightly teenage public-school gatherings. I am somewhat nervous as I do not smoke, and most of my friends use cigarettes as tools of entry into a circle of people. How, Mary, can I avoid the terrible prospect of being left standing alone, and thus immediately being classified as a loser?
M.M.H., Wooton Rivers, Wiltshire
A. I am reliably informed that the correct etiquette for those wishing to enter a conversational cluster on Daymer Bay is to simply walk into it saying, ‘Blahblahblah.’ This is an ironic nod to the artificiality of opening gambits, an acknowledgment that everyone on Daymer Bay is in the same boat and all are keen to penetrate the conversational clusters with the minimum pain and embarrassment.
Q. My wallet does not match my aspirations, but where clothing is concerned I am quite good at finding substitutes. What should I say when, at a party, people admire, for example, my ‘Prada’ shirt, which in reality comes from Zara? Should I tell them they are mistaken, thus making them feel foolish, or should I let them think I can afford Prada (which might be good for my professional image)? It seems dishonest to do the latter.
M.W., London SW3
A. There should be no need for you to say anything at all. Perhaps you have not noticed, but people very rarely listen these days at parties. They are too busy queuing to make their own next fatuous comment. Just look vague for a couple of seconds and the empty silence will soon be filled by more meaningless prattle.
Q. This coming weekend I had planned to go and stay with some friends at their home in Provence.
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