Dear Mary…
Q. As an elderly art-lover, I was thrilled to be invited to the private views of exhibitions by both Julian Barrow and his brother Andrew. Alas, I see these take place on the very same night next week and, as I am now nearly 90 and practically bedridden, I really cannot risk the mid-evening trek from Julian’s landscapes at the Fine Art Society to Andrew’s alphabet collages at the Rebecca Hossack in Fitzrovia. As both brothers are hypersensitive, would it be tactful to chuck both parties rather than attend only one of them?
E.E., London NW6
A. I have good news for you. I have consulted the galleries in question and find that Andrew opens in Windmill Street on Monday 21 November and Julian the following night in Bond Street. You can therefore attend both events at your leisure without offending either artist. Should a complex double booking occur in the future, however, might I suggest that you hire an Addison Lee taxi bike (020 7720 2161)? The cost is reasonable (£20 between Bond Street and Windmill Street, for example) and the driver will come fully equipped with spare helmet to whisk you at speed between venues so that you can maximise your social potential and avoid too much dead time spent in transit.
Q. Apropos of your recent correspondence regarding men’s pyjama bottoms, I thought you might like to know that the unsightly gap to which you refer is known by educated Jewish people as a circumvent.
B.A.F., London N6
A. Thank you for submitting this joke which some readers may think funny.
Q. Why not sew pyjamas up and pull them down like knickers when necessary? If men sat down on the lavatory there would be less spillage.
E.H., address withheld
A. Thank you for your suggestion which I have shortened for editorial reasons.
Q. Much to my delight, two dear friends have invited me to attend, with a few others, the registration of their civil partnership on 21 December, the first date, I believe, on which this contract can be entered into. The formalities are to be followed by a dinner and overnight stay at what I know to be a very expensive hotel, as guests of the ‘happy couple’. I would very much appreciate your advice as to the etiquette attaching to a guest at such an event as this. Lady Trowbridge, I fear, would not be of any help in this instance. Or, maybe, she would?
M.C., London, SW19
A. You must play the occasion straight as a poker and retain a rigid formality — certainly in the run-up to and throughout the ceremonial signing. Afterwards, you can relax to a certain extent although you should be careful to avoid making the classic mistake of indulging in Kenneth Williams-style camp innuendos or patronising winks, or of being caught responding to other guests’ face-pullings.
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