Q. Six months ago an acquaintance asked me to lunch in the country, apparently to discuss some business she might be able to put my way. I don’t drive and the journey there and back was gruelling, involving taking a tube, then a train and then a mix-up over where we had agreed to rendezvous. The business proposition never materialised and lunch itself was a little trying. I accepted an offer from the highly energetic woman next to me (rather courageously clad in leather trousers) to go to a concert the following week. The event was pleasant enough and the lady appeared to know several people gathered in the foyer afterwards, so, having declined an offer of scrambled eggs in the outer suburbs where she resides, I thanked her and went home. I thought no more about it until yesterday when the original lunch hostess rang to reprimand me for my rudeness in neither thanking her for her lunch invitation, nor her friend for the musical evening. I feel trapped in a ‘no-win’ situation. Had I thanked either of my ‘benefactors’, as they obviously see themselves, the risk of being asked back would have increased. Meanwhile a bread-and-butter letter could only have been written with gritted teeth and dishonesty. Yet I do not wish to be actively rude. How should I bring this sticky situation to a dignified closure?
J.H., by email
A. It is unfortunate that you entered this grey area where friendship and business were merged. The sense that you were being used as a ‘spare man’ now rankles; however, you must realise that had business resulted from either encounter you would have been only too pleased to dash off a letter full of fulsome appreciation. You must thank the ladies anyway (it is childish even to consider not doing so just because you did not particularly enjoy the events) and make sure you do not fall into the same trap again.
Q. I limit my 12-year-old daughter’s telly-viewing time, but she is allowed to watch Friends every morning for half an hour before school. Now her godmother (one of my husband’s best friends) has given her the entire Friends series on DVD. This effectively condemns our family to a round of daily arguments since I do not want my daughter watching her days away when she should be playing outdoors or studying. Would I be wrong to express my disapproval when next I see this friend?
Name and address withheld
A. The wonderful thing about Friends DVDs is that they can be used for educational purposes. I presume your child is doing French. You can decree that she may watch as many as three or even four episodes per day provided the language setting is French with English sub-titles. Since the child is ‘incentivised’ to follow the story she will be learning French whether she wants to or not. Next time you see your friend you can thank her with sincerity for her thoughtfulness in giving such an indispensable tool of learning.
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