Monday
V exciting! Our new Apology and Regret Strategy is such a success we are going to expand it. Jed says we’ve really set the agenda with some groundbreaking grovelling which has made Gordon look like a horrid grump who can’t own up when he’s as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of doo-doo. Or should that be do-do?
By contrast Dave is a man of towering integrity who is not afraid to say when something he’s had nothing to do-do with has gone horribly wrong. Just as when he apologised manfully for the slave trade, Our Leader’s Apology For The Recession has blazed a trail in taking responsibility for the actions of others which have resulted in disasters we could never have foreseen or prevented. Am going for a horizontal power-think on the Ikea beanbags in the Austerity Room to see if I can’t come up with some more things that are nothing to do with us which we are deeply sorry for. These concepts don’t think themselves up you know!
Tuesday
V worried about Wonky Tom’s majority sweepstake.* It’s £5 to pick a ticket with a number on out of a hat. I bought two, but neither of them are much use — 45 and 60. Am not going to win a bean with ridiculously low numbers like that but if I go on buying, I could end up with a serious spreadbetting habit like certain peers we won’t mention. So am reluctantly deciding to stick. Poppy, of course, has managed to get 100 and 173. This is typical. On a more positive note, have drawn up provisional list of other people’s mistakes that we can be sorry for, including the hunting ban, the sinking of the Titanic and the pedestrianisation of Trafalgar Square. Lessons must be learned, and we will learn them, on behalf of those who are really guilty etc.
Wednesday
Practised ARS at breakfast this morning. Told Mummy I took full responsibility for the non-arrival of her equestrian catalogue in the post again. She said, ‘That’s very nice of you, dear’ and did seem much comforted. Apologised to Daddy for his accountant overcharging him but that didn’t work so well. He seemed to think that if I moved out and stopped being a ‘drain’ on his resources, he wouldn’t have to employ one in the first place. Not a nice atmosphere at the special Apology Brainstorming either. Everything was going swimmingly until silly Jenny from Dave’s office suggested that he apologise for Black Wednesday — ‘After all, he was right at the centre of it.’ Jed went nuts. ‘Who’s using the family brain cell this week?’ Then sent her out to buy more budget digestives and powdered milkshake — must say, the new Austerity Snacking is disgusting. Anyway, it’s not her fault. She struggles with credit default swaps never mind the Apology Guidelines which are 22 pages long, after all.
Thursday
Fraught day. Nigel walked in as we were arguing over the sweepstake rules. He says he will in future impose ‘complacency fines’ on anyone caught placing bets on the size of Dave’s majority, unless they are betting on it being extremely small, or non-existent. This is unfair. Although it did wipe the smile off Poppy’s face.
*I want to place on record here that I’m v v v sorry for starting the sweepstake in the first place, even though I didn’t and it was all Wonky Tom’s idea. I have learned a valuable lesson and will never do it again, even though I didn’t do it anyway.
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