Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 12 June 2010

Monday Gids in a stinky mood. He’s still traumatised after having to travel economy class to Korea. Rang from the airport to say, ‘I don’t turn right on planes.’ But Poppy said you could tell from his voice that he knew the game was up. We all turn right on planes now. It’s a bit

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 5 June 2010

Monday What a way to spend the bank holiday weekend, up to my eyes in sleaze on the Lib Dem vetting unit. Dave rang from Chequers on speakerphone to read us the riot act while playing tennis. Balls ponging v angrily. So far we’ve found a couple of affairs, some flipping, a cash-for-planning row and

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 29 May 2010

Monday Frantic Queen’s Speech rewrites. We’re having to take out references to ‘Dave’ and insert ‘my government’ — boring! I don’t see what’s wrong with ‘My Dave will build a Big Society where Britain is no longer broken, and chocolate oranges are kept well away from the cash tills at WH Smith.’ It didn’t help

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 22 May 2010

Monday I finally got the call! I hadn’t been left behind, they’d just forgotten to tell me I was hired until they realised there weren’t any pot plants. I’m pleased as punch to have my old job of Ambience Management back. I don’t mind if Poppy is Chief-of-staff-to-the-chief-of-staff. I wouldn’t want the responsibility. You know,

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 15 May 2010

Sunday Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?! Ok, we’d have liked the voters to grasp just how brilliant Dave is — if only so I could have knocked back that bottle of champagne with Poppy and Wonky Tom on election night. And I’m sure Gary is feeling a bit embarrassed after calling nice Mr

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 1 May 2010

Monday Hoorah! After our triumphant hung parliament noose broadcast we are planning an even more direct appeal to the British public to give Dave the majority he deserves. In our next public information film — entitled ‘Britain, beware stupidity!’ — we will argue that the Lib Dem surge is proof that Gordon has made the

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 17 April 2010

Monday So exciting! Our lovely Cadbury bluey-purple manifesto is finally ready. The toll it has taken on Mr Letwin is horrific but Jed says a few months in the Austerity Room and he should be back to ‘normal’. (Our head of strategy’s finger quotation marks, not mine.) Mr Willetts jumping up and down with excitement

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 10 April 2010

Monday Am in maternity department of Uniqlo stocking up on affordable, down-to-earth clothes for Sam to wear as she reaches out to ordinary mums during her campaign. Luckily the managers didn’t mind barring ordinary customers from the shop so they could give me a private viewing. Am honoured to be Sam’s press officer and making

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 3 April 2010

Monday V dynamic strategy meeting. The challenge is clear: we must look more statesmanlike, whilst wearing Marlon Brando-style leather jackets. Jed is calling it ‘biker statesman chic’. He says Google executives have been doing it for years, there’s nothing to it. We must also find Dave some more budget accessories to wear following excellent coverage

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 27 March 2010

Monday Rejoice! Rejoice! That’s all I’m going to say on the matter. I don’t want to gloat, I don’t want to make any obvious points like ‘Gordon, you’re so screwed,’ because that would be in poor taste. V moving moment when Dave came into the office this morning and we all chanted ‘Da-vid Da-vid!’ and

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 20 March 2010

Monday Thank goodness! The Great Wobble of 2010 is over!! Never again will I go to Lanzarote so close to an election. Turns out, there wasn’t a single person doing strategy in my absence. Jed was doing brand detox and message aromatherapy, Gary was doing shouting at the press and Mr Letwin was doing sitting

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 13 March 2010

Monday Massive double red alert!!! Lily Allen dedicated her song ‘F*** You!’ to Dave last night at the O2 arena!! How could she?? We offered her a peerage and a front-bench job as a Treasury minister in the Lords for goodness sake. Tom says it’s cos we took a principled stand against her foul-mouthed Broken

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 6 March 2010

Monday This is typical! I go away for some winter sun in the Canaries with Mummy and come back to find Labour on course to form the next government! One week I was out of the office — one week! — and it’s all gone pear-shaped, or tits up, as Jed is saying. It’s obviously

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 20 February 2010

Monday Helping Wonky Tom put finishing touches to our exciting plans for Tessa-Jowell-style-John-Lewis-style public services. (Possibly that’s too many hyphens. We may have to drop the Jowell bit. She won’t mind, she’s pleased as punch we’re using her idea.) It will be a revolution, handing Power To The People on a scale never before envisaged.

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 13 February 2010

Monday Hooray! Have been promoted. Am being given super-powerful new role heading up our Twitter Monitoring Unit! Obviously, because I am no longer able to do policy work, Wonky Tom will take over responsibility for all that boring stuff. So excited. Have a list of the most troublesome Tweeters, most of them called Nadine. There

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 30 January 2010

Monday Mr Maude is ecstatic. ‘A hung parliament! I told you so! People hate us!’ Dave v grumpy: ‘Speak for yourself.’ Quietly though, I think he is a bit worried that not as many people love him as unconditionally and totally as previously thought. It’s not the polls, exactly. It’s more to do with That

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 23 January 2010

Monday A quick straw poll of the office confirms that only three of us would be clever enough to be a teacher under Dave’s new plans. This shows just how ambitious and brilliant they are! Wonky Tom would qualify, but says he would rather eat his own head than go near a roomful of screaming,

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 16 January 2010

Monday V exciting! Now that we’ve decided to do married tax breaks for couples with children under five we’ll need an acronym. So we’re having a competition! I’ve come up with… the Married Couples With Children Under Five Allowance, or McWicufa. Pretty snappy huh! Everyone joining in the fun except for IDS who’s in a