Monday
Frantic Queen’s Speech rewrites. We’re having to take out references to ‘Dave’ and insert ‘my government’ — boring! I don’t see what’s wrong with ‘My Dave will build a Big Society where Britain is no longer broken, and chocolate oranges are kept well away from the cash tills at WH Smith.’ It didn’t help that the whole thing was leaked to the press, dropping us in it with the Palace who rang to ask ‘what sort of Mickey Mouse operation’ we were running. Not naming any sandal-wearing lefties, but we’ve decided on someone we’ll be blaming for this and all subsequent leaks. So he’d better keep up the ballroom dancing because he’s going to have a lot of time on his hands once we’ve finished slashing his department to ribbons. Still, at least we’ve managed to cut £6.2 billion from the deficit. Only another £149.8 billion to go!
Tuesday
Sam in a stinky mood. ‘Do you want me to turn up in me glad rags or is he just gonna ponce about wiv Nick?’ Then it fell to me to do morning Tie Calls. Mr Clegg’s negotiator rang at 9 a.m. sharp and outrageously claimed it was his turn to chose first. I said it was no such thing. ‘Dave gets to chose on Queen’s Speech day. It’s in the agreement. And he wants duck egg blue.’ ‘But Nick wants duck egg blue today.’ No, no, no, I said. Dave gets duck egg blue on Queen’s Speech day. Schedule 4.3.’ In the end I had to consult the PM who took time out from his daily call to Mrs Merkel to shout through the door: ‘Fine. Tell him he can have blue. And tell him to enjoy the State Opening because I won’t be there.
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