Monday
Helping Wonky Tom put finishing touches to our exciting plans for Tessa-Jowell-style-John-Lewis-style public services. (Possibly that’s too many hyphens. We may have to drop the Jowell bit. She won’t mind, she’s pleased as punch we’re using her idea.) It will be a revolution, handing Power To The People on a scale never before envisaged. Within months of a Tory victory millions of workers all over Britain will be sacking their bosses and awarding themselves huge pay rises!! Hooray!! It’s about time things stopped being so top-down in this country! Am off to unpack the new campaign literature. We’ve got Dave mugs, Dave scarves, Dave T-shirts, Dave umbrellas, Dave bumper stickers (for bicycles and electric cars only) and full-sized Dave cardboard cut-outs! Of course, it has been made clear that candidates are perfectly at liberty to put their own faces on leaflets if they like, so long as they don’t mind not winning.
Tuesday
Following Our Leader’s v moving Letter to Sun Readers, revealing for the first time that we will recognise specifically only ‘loving families’ in the tax system, a lot of people are asking how exactly this will be assessed. I can confirm that IDS has proper scientific methods for this sort of thing. His award-winning Centre for Fallen Women and Paupers has access to all the latest technological advances and can even measure the size of children’s brains. Apparently if they have a small one it means their mother isn’t married. So clever. Captain Smithy can’t show us the precise research involved as it runs to several thousand pages and would crash the email system. But he says we’re not to worry. It’s all above board and totally legit.
Wednesday
How perfectly hateful of Labour to accuse us of hacking into their stinky Twitter accounts.
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