Monday
I wonder if Gary has Gwyneth Paltrow’s number? No reason he would have, obviously, but just on the off chance he did, it would be great to ring and ask her if she would consider doing a little fundraiser for us. Nothing over the top, just something tasteful with Chris Martin, saying how happy they are to be Tories, if indeed they are. I don’t want to ask him yet, because obviously the whole ‘phone-tapping’ thingummy is still v difficult and he looks a bit edgy. It can’t be nice being accused of something you had absolutely nothing to do with while you were in charge. It certainly is a distressing business. But at the end of the day, I’m convinced something positive will come out of all this — it usually does. Dave’s amazing like that. Nigel says it’s the Teflon Tony effect (yet more evidence he is the true heir to Blair!) although we need to think of a suitable catchphrase to personalise it. ‘Duracoat Dave’ is an option, but that’s a paint technology firm in California and there may be problems with the copyright.
Tuesday
Went to take Gary his morning tea and custard creams and he was grovelling around on the floor with his ear pressed against the carpet. He said: ‘They put them in the underlay sometimes.’ I just agreed with him. Everyone deals with pressure in their own way. Also had to be patient when Captain Smithy rang to ask that we make sure he doesn’t get ‘any gay questions’ when he does his press conference about his new measures to boost marriage. Naturally, I thought he meant he didn’t want any silly, tame questions but he said, ‘Don’t get metropolitan with me, missy. You know perfectly well what I mean. I don’t want any questions about gays. I don’t like them.’ Just to be clear, he means he doesn’t like questions about gays, not he doesn’t like gays themselves! If he didn’t like gays he wouldn’t be making social policy for Dave and we wouldn’t be adopting his super-radical retro-chic proposals for restricting the availability of divorce!! Speaking of wacky stuff, someone should tell Dave not to do any more Heston Blumenthal ice sorbet tricks at his lasagne suppers. They’re obviously neither Modern, nor Compassionate.
Wednesday
Ohmygod I just thought — if Gary has George Michael’s number it would be so great to ask him if he would perform at our victory rally next year! Maybe we could ask Coldplay as well?! Would be so exciting!! Will try and catch him off-guard when he’s got the underlay up, or perhaps when he’s unscrewing the light fittings. That’s always a good time to get him to agree to something. Must also stop DD bothering him. The former shadow home secretary thinks it’s hilarious to stand outside his door shouting, ‘tap tap can I come in?’ I’ve told him, Gary doesn’t need any more dog-eared old copies of Surveillance Weekly, or Nuts for that matter, so he can just take them back to his ‘busy’ Commons office and enjoy them himself in the peace and quiet.
Thursday
I would have thought Gary could at least give me numbers for Jude Law and Sienna Miller. They must be practically common knowledge anyway. And is it really too much for him to ring Nigella and ask her to send Dave some other pudding recipes now that he can’t do ‘exploding blue sorbet palate cleanser’? You wouldn’t think so, would you?
Comments