Monday
I’m so enjoying The New Politics! The whole atmosphere of Newness everywhere and the feeling of everything and everyone being just so New is amazing. I can’t think why we didn’t do this before. I mean, it’s the obvious answer to all Britain’s problems isn’t it? And it was so easy — Dave just said it’s all New, and it was New!! I thought it was important to celebrate by spending the weekend shopping for New outfits to express my own individual sense of Newness. And I’ve had a New hairdo, as you can see! I took a picture of Chloe Smith to the hairdresser and I think you’ll agree the result is spooky. Although I must say, it’s taking a bit of getting used to. I get the feeling some people around here are a teensy bit jealous of my New Look, hence the rather childish comments. How sad.
Tuesday
Confused about our New Plans to take away tax credits from the middle classes. Thought the whole idea of married tax breaks etc was to redistribute wealth to the nice people we like. But Jed says the nice people we like will have to ‘get used to being squeezed til the organic Daylesford pips squeak’.
This sounds bit scary but I don’t intend to let it put me off Being New. Unlike some people, who are getting positively panic-stricken about it. DD went completely over the top, as usual, complaining about the lovely deal Jed’s wife got us with Google to look after NHS records. How rude and ungrateful. Especially after they threw in free in-house instant chat-messaging which even surgeons will be able to access mid-operation on their mobile phone so they can share fun stuff like videos of colleagues doing karaoke!
Speaking of people making fools of themselves, Speaker Bercow rings to say that rumours of him doing a secret deal with Harriet to stitch up MPs’ expenses reform are ‘despicable, treacherous, malevolent untruths’ and we better not repeat them until he’s announced it to the House in the proper fashion.
Wednesday
Am putting the finishing touches to Tamzin’s Holiday Reading List which always goes down a treat with our MPs, although Biggles Simpson will no doubt try to ruin it with silly suggestions for boring political stuff. This year I’m recommending super books by Jeremy Kyle and Katie Price, which contain everything you need to know about Modern Britain. No need to go rummaging through crusty old editions of Hayek. There’s a lot of New Intellectual Talent out there which we badly need to get to grips with. Holiday guidelines going out this week too. We have again instructed MPs to opt for British mini-breaks. To clear up confusion: yes, Dave is going to Greece and France, but only in an ironic sense, and only in order to highlight how much he would rather be in Cornwall. He intends to stage several major photocalls during his trips to make this point.
Thursday
I hate my New hairdo. Nigel’s right. Makes me look like Ruth Kelly circa 1997. Not Chloe Smith at all. Poppy thinks she can get me an appointment with Daniel G to have extensions. I want to be clear: I am not going back to my old hairdo. I am, in fact, courageously making my New hairdo even Newer. Like Dave, I am at the forefront of a daring New Newness.
Comments