Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 17 October 2009

Monday

Oh dear. What a sad day. Desperate calls from upset MPs to the Expenses Helpline. Many of them elderly and beside themselves with worry about how they are going to make the repayments. Some are even having to contemplate horrendous sacrifices such as selling paintings that have been in their family for centuries! Of course, we are giving them all the support we can, but Dave is adamant: pay up or stand down. (He’s so sexy when he does ultimatums!) And as Jed movingly pointed out at morning strategy meeting, every cloud has a silver lining. Difficult as this is, on the bright side: lots of new on-message candidates are already coming forward and they can easily be parachuted into safe seats vacated by sleazy old trouble-making has-beens, says Jed, if only the old has-beens would get a move on and clear off.

Tuesday

Mr Maude is hopping with glee at the narrowing gap in the polls. ‘See, I told you so! Only ten points ahead — and after Dave’s speech as well! What more evidence do you people need? We are going to lose badly unless we pull our socks up!’ Normally, of course, we would tell him to submit his concerns in writing in the usual way by filling in the feedback form and putting it in the suggestions box. But even Jed says he’s got a point this time. The absence of a conference bounce is worrying. As is our latest focus-grouping. Our new message of ‘Work Harder, For Longer, For Less!’ doesn’t seem at all popular with young professionals (lazy layabouts!). However, it is proving a huge success with elderly retired people who are mad keen on the idea of everyone else being made to work till they’re 80.