Q. I have noticed that, when you use the new type of tomato ketchup bottle, it makes a rude noise which can be embarrassing if you are eating alone with other couples behind you. I wondered how I could alert fellow diners to the noise having come from the bottle and not from me?
— E.H., London N1
A. To draw any further attention to such an occurrence would only make matters worse. This product has been causing social discomfort for many decades and it is high time the manufacturers addressed the issue. Experienced ketchup consumers ask for it to be brought to the table pre-squirted into a side dish, so as not to offend.
Q. My husband and I frequently have people to stay at weekends and love having them. Our problem arises after lunch on Sunday afternoons when we notice certain guests, far from packing up and signing the visitor’s book, are instead starting to settle in. We are drained of energy by five o’clock on Sunday and we just want to blob on Sunday evenings. The problem has not arisen since Downton Abbey has been on as everyone is rushing back for that; but once the series is over and winter has set in, I need to be armed with a foolproof ruse. What do you suggest, Mary?
— Name and address withheld
A. When guests are lingering after lunch on Sunday, coach your husband to ask you in front of them, ‘What time does Rupert want us at?’ You should answer, ‘Well we’ll have to leave here at six-thirty.’ At this point your husband can turn to the overstayers and stay, ‘I’d better go and change then. No hurry. We don’t have to leave here till six-thirty.’ Guests will consider that a six-thirty departure time is the worst of all possible worlds and will be galvanised to stir their stumps before you have to go through the charade of shutting up the house and driving away as though going out to a Sunday night dinner.
Q. My godson and next-door neighbour has a law degree but cannot get a place in chambers. He cannot afford to work for free until the market improves and I cannot afford to employ him. What to do, Mary? It’s heartbreaking to see the waste. — A.H., Nottingham
A. You live in a university town. Your godson might use his expertise to set up a ‘pop-up administration-busting’ business in the foyer of some halls of residence. There he could help students tackle those essential but über-tedious chores such as claiming on insurance, applying for insurance, chasing student loans, applying for further grants, filling out passport replacement application forms, ditto driving licence etc. These are things students put off indefinitely as the boredom and frustration are burdens too great to be borne alone. Students would consider a fee of £20 an hour well worth the payment for the peace of mind.
Comments