Q. We live in New Zealand and under our ‘business immigration scheme’ a delightful Korean family has moved into the neighbourhood. They are required to buy a business and provide local employment opportunities. Accordingly, they have bought a café, but they do not seem to have any knowledge of the hospitality trade, nor much English. My wife is helping their daughter with her English studies and, as a reward, they are delivering ample supplies of café muffins which can only be described as rocks. How can we tell them that these are inedible (and therefore unsaleable) without causing offence?
– B.W., Auckland, NZ
A. There might well be some cultural confusion over the meaning of ‘rock cakes’ so it is important that you put the family in the picture. Perhaps the best way to do this tactfully is to suggest that one of your own friends — with a palate and with time on her hands — applies for an unpaid ‘internship’ in the café. Many perfectly competent and underemployed women would enjoy rising to such a challenge. The right candidate would then be positioned to show the couple the ropes and also how easy it is to knock up, on a hourly basis, such perennially popular items as fresh scones.
Q. I am an American married to a colonial living in a former British colony. My husband has a very old friend who has recently inherited a title. I shall call him Sir Martin. I have known him almost as long as I have known my husband — around 34 years. The problem is every time I encounter Sir Martin, he greets me with ‘Well hello, Mrs B’ in a huge booming voice and I know I am expected to say, ‘Oh, hello Sir Martin, how are you?’ The trouble is that I don’t believe in all this claptrap and can’t bring myself to go along with his pompous little game. He just loves to hear himself called by his new title. What should I do to stop this nonsense?
– Name withheld, Nairobi, Kenya
A. Next time he tries to script your greeting, wear an innocent facial expression as you reply ‘Good day, Your Grace’ in a respectful manner. Obviously it would be ridiculous for him to correct your misunderstanding — or was it a witticism? He cannot be sure. In any case it should inoculate him against trying it on again.
Q. Both my husband and I are highly intelligent, productive and personable individuals. How come our children are crap?
– D.S. and W.S., Stockwell, London
A. Your own parents probably felt exactly the same about you when you were the same age — and yet look how well you eventually turned out. Just wait. Your children probably have at least 12 years more of appearing to be ‘crap’ before the positive genes kick in.
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