Dear Mary | 10 September 2011

Q. I was amused by your correspondent ‘J.P.’ (16 April) who complained of her daughter-in-law’s ‘bosom flashing’ at dinner parties. A similar thing happened at a house party in France this year: one of the female guests wore an open shirt so loosely knotted that ‘J.P.’ would have been even more shocked. The woman opposite became so exasperated she left the table briefly — to return with her own dress wide open and no bra. She had rather more on offer, and it did the trick: for the rest of the holiday the offender covered up. But — as you suggest — the men were disappointed.
—M.J.H., Alston, Cumbria

A Thank you for reporting this silent, but effective reprimand. Wielding a camera phone, and passing the result across the table is another wordless way to prompt an offender to take corrective action.  

Q. A good friend is about to publish her first novel. She is a prominent figure in the City, but the novel is one of the shopping and intimacy genre and so far below what I know to be her intellectual level that I cannot work out whether it is a creative effort for us to admire or a knowing parody for us to laugh along with. Mary, my problem is this. The launch party is coming up and a lot of our mutual and equally intellectual friends will be there. I know what to say to her: ‘Congratulations on your splendid achievement!’, but what do I say to the other guests? Do I pretend to be in on the joke and risk offending her? Or play it straight and risk being thought a fool by the urban sophisticates there?
—A.P., London W10

A. Whether her intentions were cynical or sincere you should take the (correct) view that your friend has, first, done no harm. Second, she will probably make some of her target audience very happy and third, she may set tills ringing which would be in everyone’s interest. You can afford to be overheard saying, ‘So clever to be able to master that technique. I wish I could.’ This should cover all bases.  

Q. We are in our late thirties and no longer juveniles. But at a recent dinner party we had to play silly games after the meal. These involved penalties — the removal of items of clothing. I was highly embarrassed and have not sent my customary thank-you to my hostess. But how else can I express my displeasure — and how can one avoid such games in future? (My husband of course tells me not to bother as I looked OK).
—V.S., London SW11

A. Write a veiled rebuke. Say the game had the marvellous effect of reminding you of a brilliant alternative which you must play next time (‘because it’s not humiliating at all’). Sidestep undesirable games in future by insisting you know a ‘better’ one and take command. Hosts do not usually mind — they just want a lively atmosphere.