Spectator Competition: As they prefer it

In Competition 3362 you were invited to submit a passage from Shakespeare as rewritten by the sensitivity reader. The entries were on the whole excellent and it was painful to have to jettison so many: often it came down to a repetition of the same excerpt. A special mention to D.A. Prince (‘My partner’s eyes are theirs: I cannot share comparisons’), David Blakey for his Old Shepherd’s speech, and Robert Brydges for his revised Twelfth Night in which Viola ends up with Olivia, Sebastian with Antonio, and Orsino is left ‘betrothèd nor to maid nor man’. The winners get £25.

This royal throne of monarchs, government-supported,

This oft-changing democracy, this seat of deities,

This other Utopia, pending improvements,

This island built by evolving nature

Against infection, acts of terrorism and related hostilities,

This collection of citizens of all backgrounds,

This diverse geological landscape set by the English Channel,

Which serves it in the physical form of a barrier,

Or as a moat, separating its territory

from other Euro-centric lands,

This location, this environment, this nation, this United Kingdom,

This birthplace of royal figureheads and commoners,

Famous for certain celebrities,

Despised for its former empire-building actions,

Now offering multi-faith service and true equality,

Repenting of past crusades, slavery and invasions.

Janine Beacham

Thrice its contents have been boiled

As round our cauldron we have toiled

At hummus, quorn and mung-bean bake

And kelp and lentil protein shake,

With kale en gelée, lettuce purée,

Pulses three-way, seaweed soufflé,

Edamame bean surprise

With almond milk and fat-free fries,

And fig brulée with senna pods,

The choice of costive vegan gods.

Good fortune will attend Macbeth who

Comes to try our tasting menu.

So, double, double toil and trouble;

Though fire still burns ’tis veggies bubble.

Martin Parker

To be, or what to be, that is the question,

Whether we should rely on mindfulness,

Or face proactively those many things

That might keep us awake. We need our rest,

For by our sleep we can bring to an end

A thousand problems. But perchance we’ll dream –

Ay, there’s the rub! For sometimes when we have

Dropped off, dreams are not nice, so we require

A healthy sleep, and pleasant visions are

Something devoutly to be wished, that we

Forget our boyfriend/girlfriend troubles, or

Our pompous boss.