Food: Jubilee tea

Fortnum & Mason is a major attraction at the UK heritage theme park, the equivalent of the gorilla at London Zoo; this is corroborated by its two branches in Japan and by the fact that it is always full of Germans holding hands in the truffle department and smiling. It is, or rather was, the Costcutter to the Empire and the F&M historian can have much fun in its archives: it was the first shop in Britain to sell Heinz baked beans; it holds the royal warrant for jelly beans; it claims to have invented the scotch egg, although this claim is apparently disputed in Glasgow.

It sells bags and perfumes now — plus a model speedboat — but it is still the best food hall in London, far better than Harvey Nichols (too many anorexics), Selfridges (too many fashion witches and/or anorexics) or Harrods (too many anorexics and/or fashion witches and/or people who own ­Ferraris and double park them because parking regulations do not apply to people with stupid cars). No real Londoner would shop at Harrods, anyway — it is far too Barbie Dream Princess Goes Shopping With Elton John And Throws Up Afterwards Due to Bulimia. My posh friend says it is a myth that posh people shop at F&M and that really posh people shop at Tesco with the dog, because who can afford a hamper when the pig pen needs repointing? But I do not believe him; I smell tuck boxes bound for Eton and tearful last-night-of-the-school-holiday teas (before we lock you up again, ha!). The Occupy movement agrees with me that it is posh, and occupied F&M last year, because some people think you can remake the world by sitting down on the floor next to a confectionary display.