Spectator Competition: Potato, potahto

Competition 3371 invited you to rewrite the lyrics of ‘Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off’ to be sung not by Fred and Ginger but by another mismatched pair. Trump and Harris cropped up the most, while Joseph Houlihan deserves a mention for his version (‘I’m a Zoomer, you’ve a Boomer’s/ Problematic sense of humour…’). Those below win £25.

You are the Windsor, and I am the Markle;
You bring the heirlooms and I bring the sparkle.
The Windsor, the Markle, the heirlooms, the sparkle:
Let’s show the world how to live!
You like the Roller and I like the Caddy;
The papers abhor me and say I’m the baddie.
The Roller, the Caddy, the papers, the baddie:
Let’s show the world how to live!

But oooh, if we put ourselves up front
We’ve got to act like kings
And do all those boring things that clip our stylish wings.
So, I’ll flog my products and you play your polo –
Sometimes together and sometimes just solo.
The products, the polo, together, and solo:
Let’s show the world how to live!

Nicholas Lee

Our election is all but through
The polls are now trending flat
For I like my life with a family
You spend your time with a cat
We both know what the results will show
I’m a winner, be sure of that –
It looks as if we two can never concur
It’s because of the memes we prefer…

You say Camala, I say Ca Ma La
I say MAGA, you say I’m gaga.
Camala, Ca Ma La, MAGA, gaga:
Let’s keep this whole thing dumb.
I talk of Lecter, you of the state sector
Laughter’s your vector, I’d much sooner hector –
Lecter, state sector, vector, hector
Let’s keep this whole thing dumb.

Adrian Fry

You munch on courgette, I chomp zucchini.
You scarf a banger, I nosh a weenie.
Courgette, zucchini, a banger, a weenie!
Let’s go our separate ways.

My chips are your crisps and your chips are fries.
We both realise what we both recognise.
Let’s share recognition and greasy nutrition,
Tasting our separate ways.

You say leftenant and I say lootenant.
One of us, let’s not mince words, has an accent.
Chips for leftenants and fries for lootenants,
Accenting separate ways.

You spell it colour and I spell it color.
Neither is greyer (or grayer) nor duller.
Let’s fly our colors and flourish our colours,
Revel in separate ways.

Chris O’Carroll

You stream Fleabag, and I dunk teabags,
You’re Coronation, and I’m ‘change the station’,
Top series, fan theories, you rate them, I hate them,
Let’s switch the damn thing off.
You love Strictly, while I get prickly,
You binge The Crown, and I shut it down,
I don’t cheer for Top Gear, Midsomer’s a bummer,
Let’s switch the damn thing off.

But oh, if we switch the damn thing off
Then we must talk,
And oh, if we ever talk
Then one of us might walk,
So if you watch Downton, I’ll watch Cold Mountain,
Binge Game of Thrones, then stream Bridget Jones,
Flick through each channel, in bed socks and flannel,
Don’t turn the damn thing off.

Janine Beacham

You say Marlborough and I say Mawlbrough,
You want to go to Glasto and I’d choose Aldeburgh,
Marlborough, Mawlbrough, Glasto, Aldeburgh –
Let’s call the whole thing off!

You say sidewalk and I say pavement,
I mention empire and you shriek enslavement,
Sidewalk, pavement, empire, enslavement,
Let’s call the whole thing off!

I like a pheasant and you stick to soya –
but now…You’ve an attorney and I may need a lawyer,
So if you aim to flit in a truck (or a lorry),
I’ll make the best of it and say that I’m sorry,
Because if your attorney’s a really hot shot,
I’m only too likely to lose the lot!
So let’s call the calling off, off.

Sarah Nichols

I’m Angie Rayner and you are the Mogg,
You say ‘the lavatory’, I say ‘the bog’;
The Red Queen, the Tory, let’s make our own story:
The Labourite and the toff!

I think you’re weird and you think I’m rum,
You think my vowels are flat and I think you’re scum;
The rum, the scum, it’s not zero-sum!
Let’s have a right good laff.

I’m just a northern girl, you are a freak;
My views are modern, and yours are antique;
The six-kids-and-nanny, the glamorous granny –
I’m sure we can pull it off!

My background’s silver spoon; yours, rather shabby;
You, Coronation Street; me, Downton Abbey.
The Roller, the Rizla, I think you’re a sizzler!
Luv – pass us me topper to doff!

Andrew Bowyer

You’ve a veranda, and I’ve got a deck,
you tick a box, and I put a check;
veranda, deck, a tick, a check,
Americana’s best, bar none!

But oh, if our words all meant the same,
who’d be to blame?
And oh, if our lexicons grew tame,
then where’s the flame?

So, I’ll stick to autumn, and you’ll have the fall,
you’ll play at soccer, and we’ll play football;
autumn, fall, soccer, football,
let’s keep our language fun!

Paul A. Freeman