Prince Andrew and me

No use piling on where Prince Andrew is concerned. It’s a sorry business, and he’s not among the brightest either. Back in the summer of 2007, in St Tropez, I had a boatload of guests and we all went to a party given by the Rubin family in their villa. It was a very gay night, in the old-fashioned meaning of the word. We were joined by a comely seductress from the Far East and the prince with the highest IQ on the planet, Andrew. He was polite but distant, concentrating on his companion. That’s when I told my friend Debbie Bismarck that Andy had no chance. Just watch me, I said.

I inched my way up to the babe in question, signalled to her that I needed to tell her something, and when she had excused herself from Andy’s monologue I informed her that the Prince would neither marry nor keep her. But as a producer of Chinese westerns I could employ her forthwith. She dropped him like the proverbial hot you-know-what. My friends were laughing, although some thought that I had been rude to the Prince. ‘Not at all,’ I told them. ‘I know women, and he does not.’

Things did not turn out as planned, though. My friend Nick Scott, who caught on quickly, sat beside me talking shop — Chinese westerns — and making me laugh so hard that even the babe realised there was something wrong. Especially when Nick told her I had had Bruce Lee killed for refusing a role. She went home alone — probably for the first time in her young life.

So, as previously stated, Andrew is not the brightest of the bright. He is, however, more articulate than Jabrill Peppers, a man who attended the academically demanding Michigan University for four years and now plays for the New York Giants football team.