It started like a bit of good old political knockabout. PMQs opened with a planted question from Mark Menzies (Con, Fylde) asking the PM about Britain’s sick-note culture. Cameron, looking suitably grave, declared that the fake-sniffle problem afflicts even senior management.
Ed Miliband, he told us, had recently claimed he was too ill to attend a rally called by health workers. Three hours later he was seen heartily cheering at a football match having been driven to the ground in a Rolls Royce. ‘What was it,’ asked Cameron, ‘that first attracted the Labour leader to the multimillionaire owner of Hull football club?’
This prompted howls and jeers from every part of the house. Ed Miliband ignored them. He was in no mood for a fight and he wanted to preserve every scrap of energy for his Budget response. So he assumed his favourite funereal expression, which spreads upwards from his dark suit and covers his entire face, and managed to silence the house with his air of dogged solemnity. He then took refuge that safest of dead-safe topics, Afghanistan.
Talk of war always creates instant peace between the party leaders. Miliband asked about America’s ‘accelerated timetable’ for withdrawal. Cameron appeared to admit to a softening of our tactics. As early as 2013, he said, there may be opportunities to change the nature of the mission and ‘be more in a support rather than in a combat role’. Asked about the Taleban’s refusal to negotiate with the Americans, Cameron was nonchalant. Our handover in 2014, he said, ‘can happen even without a political settlement’. An agreement, if reached, would merely ‘be better for all concerned’. As for the enemy, Cameron went on, sounding as gung-ho as any gin-and-orange general, ‘we will continue to defeat them on the battlefield every time they raise their head.’
Miliband then retreated into an even duller and worthier topic: compensation payments for victims of last August’s riots. No doubt burnt-out shopkeepers are a deserving constituency but their cause is unlikely to disturb the PM and he duly straight-batted all Ed’s earnest questions. This left him looking cowed and a bit twitchy for the rest of the session. Deprived of the chance to smite down his real political foes, he took pot shots at anyone foolish enough to present themselves as a target.
Huw Irranca-Davies (Lab, Ogmore) tried to embarrass the prosperous Mr Cameron by boasting that he travels by bus to the House from south London. His journey used to cost 90p when Ken Livingstone was mayor. ‘How much does it cost under Boris Johnson?’
Cameron, whose personal experience of bus travel remains classified, avoided the question and accused Ken of reneging on his promise to reduce fares. ‘The difference is that Boris pays his taxes and Ken doesn’t.’
The member for Leyton and Wanstead, John Cryer, predicted that regional pay in the public sector would ‘set hospital against hospital’ and create ‘an increase in the overall wage bill’. ‘But this isn’t some alien concept,’ said Cameron. Labour introduced regional pay for court staff. ‘And Labour’s front bench suggested we look at local pay levels for benefits.’
The backbenchers were having no luck. John McDonnell (Hayes and Harlington) asked Cameron if he sympathised with trade unionists who’d been blacklisted after having their phones hacked.
Some chance!
Cameron went way off-piste here. Ignoring the question, he ordered Mr McDonnell to quit the ‘Right to Work’ campaign which he characterised as ‘a left-wing organisation that prevents young people from getting jobs.’ McDonnell was seen laughing in disbelief and shaking his head furiously.
Today’s final onslaught came zinging in from Geordieland. Ian Lavery, (Lab, Warnsbeck) attacked the PM for promising to reduce the dole queues while presiding over continual rises in unemployment. Mr Lavery takes the prize for Wacko Statistic of the Week after revealing that ‘55.4 people are chasing every job in my constituency.’
Cameron lifted his eyes philosophically and asked his questioner to celebrate the good news. Nissan has promised to build gleaming new factories in the north east. Hitachi is looking to add more investment. Newcastle airport is expanding, and Greggs — which makes buns — has pledged fresh money too. Cakes for all under Cameron.
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