Each year in the charity shop where I volunteer, the Christmas cards arrive in August; by September, they must be on the shelves. We’re a small shop and space is precious; shoes and bags which would make us a healthy profit are swept aside for half-hearted etchings of mardy robins. But at least it’s in aid of charity, and thus in keeping with the spirit of the season – even if Christmas is still almost a third of a year away.
Even more distasteful are the bastardisations of the advent calendar available to those with terminally shallow lives and more money than sense
There’s a grim humour in the way the supermarkets can’t keep up with their own greed, arranging their differing seasonal wares so that even at the end of October, gummy sweets celebrating the forces of darkness jostle with chocolates celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace. But even more distasteful are the bastardisations of the advent calendar available to those with terminally shallow lives and more money than sense. Over a month ago, I received my first offer of one from Mac: ‘Worth over £480, yours for just £170! Packed with 24 indulgent treats, including 21 full-sized products!’ No thanks.
Adverts for advent calendars swarm in when summer is still saying its goodbyes. There are cheap and cheerful ones which aren’t too different from the chocolate liqueur ones of my youth. (Whatever happened to Cherry Heering?) Ones for dogs and cats. (The dogs will like everything – the cats nothing.) There are unintentionally amusing ones – I can imagine the jaded consumers of the £425 Lovehoney sex-toy number grimly working their way through the month as they attempt to bring the spark back, praying for it to be over. There’s a pork crackling and beer one, and wine ones galore.
In an amusing bit of jiggery-wokery, the Tony Chocolonely calendar features an empty window on 8 December ‘to highlight in-equality and slave labour policies of unscrupulous firms in the chocolate manufacturing process’. The Mail reports that ‘Unhappy parents said they did not need to be “taught a lesson by my advent calendar”’ – adding it upset children with autism who did not understand the reason. The company said: ‘Unfortunately, we failed to consider the difficulties empty windows can cause for neurodivergent children and adults. We have more to learn in considering how we can make our products as inclusive as possible.’
I can’t say I’m wildly sympathetic to parents whose idea of celebrating a major religious festival involves shovelling sweets down the throats of their little darlings. However, it can be had for a reasonable £17.50. The new Swarovski/Disney collaboration goes for a cool thousand and, judging by the photos of the merch on the Swarovski website, probably cost less than a tenth of that to manufacture. Get a load of this hogwash: ‘To celebrate 100 years of Disney, Swarovski has created this extraordinary advent calendar to ignite a feeling of childlike wonder and commemorate this special occasion. Behind its 25 doors you’ll discover an array of joyful surprises, including 22 colourful ornaments, two necklaces, and a playful set of stickers. These pieces are only available as part of this advent calendar, including designs inspired by your favourite Disney characters alongside holiday symbols to celebrate the season. ’
Whether it’s aimed at simple-minded adults or avaricious children I’m not sure. But even this abomination isn’t as loathsome to me as the cosmetic company calendars, such as the aforementioned Mac number; Liberty’s is £250, Jo Malone’s is £350, Diptyque’s £390. Even female children don’t escape being herded down the blind alley of the beauty racket; in 2017 there was a right kerfuffle over the advent calendar produced by the social influencer Zoella, who appealed mainly to pre-teen girls. Sold by Boots for £50, the calendar had only 12 doors, behind which lurked such precious gems as a small packet of confetti, stickers, a key ring and a pen; the teenage YouTuber Yasmine Summan worked out that the cost of the trinkets if bought from Amazon would be around £21.57, leading Boots to slash the price-tag by half after copious protests by furious parents. All women are treated like children by the beauty business. We’re used to a moisturiser being called a ‘hero’ or a shampoo a ‘saviour’ – but to commercialise the countdown to one of the most important days in the Christian calendar so that it adds up to nothing more than a bit of scent and lipstick really does demonstrate a degraded culture.
There’s something miserable about the idea of ‘self-gifting’ and people thinking to themselves, ‘I deserve a treat!’ Why? What have you done to deserve it? Advent calendars which cost a fortune are the opposite of food banks. I’m no angel, but I’d definitely subscribe to one whereby you give something to a charity or do a good deed each day. It would leave a far better taste in the mouth than 24 miniature bottles of Baileys.
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