Are theatre critics on drugs? Fallen in Love and Pastoral reviewed

A marvellous novelty at the Tower of London. The Banqueting Suite of the New Armouries has been converted into a pop-up theatre and the Tower authorities have welcomed a new play following the rise and fall (into two pieces) of Anne Boleyn.

Joanna Carrick, who directs her own script, has chosen a tricky format. Two characters, Anne and her brother George, tell the story of Anne’s fatal marriage to Henry VIII. Even Aeschylus found this ancient format rather constricting and introduced a third character. Perhaps Carrick knows better. Anne and George are evidently attracted to each other and they romp around a four-poster bed exchanging gossip in fits of giggles. At first the characterisation is a little thin. Then it gets thinner.

George (Scott Ellis) is a bumptious, greedy posh boy, who, if he lived today, would be a Mayfair hedge funder with an Aston Martin, two mistresses and herpes. Anne (Emma Connell) is stunningly beautiful but difficult to warm to. She’s a heartless, truculent minx determined to snare the king in order to stoke her vanity, ambition and megalomania. If this is an accurate portrait, it’s a wonder Henry didn’t lop her bonce off earlier. There’s not a trace of grandeur, mystery or depth to these callous schemers. And the actors have been encouraged to shriek their lines at road-drill volume even though the spectators are close enough to tap them politely on the arm and ask them to ‘bring it down a bit’. It’s a huge relief when both are executed.

The play ends with a sentimental glimpse of two ghosts in heaven dancing together in a chaste clinch. Overhead, meanwhile, an exploding lampshade showers the twirling figures with confetti made out of chopped-up rejection letters from West End backers.