Hello and welcome to my podcast Are you a high agency individual? My name is Muscle McSteroid Face, but my friends call me the Beast for short. Please enjoy the next 135 minutes while I talk about myself and make you feel inadequate.
I am a high agency individual. I was born this way, but you can learn my skills for an introductory offer of $59.99 a month (link in my bio). A high agency person is a risk taker. We are mavericks. We are the writers of our own destiny, the authors of our own story. We are leaders. We make tough decisions.
If you were stuck in a rancid prison cell on the corner of some godforsaken slab of land, who would you call? You would call me. When a bouncer tells me that I’m too drunk to get in, do I simply walk away and go home? No! I remove the bouncer from the situation – with force if necessary. When I purchased a cat and found out I was allergic, do you think I took antihistamines? No! I sold my cat and made a profit.
When my accountant said that Pokémon cards were a bad investment, do you think I listened to him? No! I sued my accountant and used my winnings to buy more Pokémon cards. He lives in a cardboard box and I have an apartment in Dubai. Who’s laughing now? Me. The high-agency man is laughing. High agency is in my DNA. The question is, is it in yours?
Disclaimer: Everything you just read was a lie. I was being facetious. Apologies to anyone who tried to sign up for my fictitious course. I was simply poking fun at the false prophets of the internet – also known as personal development podcasters – and their newfound buzzword: high agency. YouTube Shorts (the void where brain cells go to die) has been inundated with failed entrepreneurs-cum-armchair philosophers extolling the virtues of high-agency individuals.
What do Steve Jobs, Martha Stewart and Hannibal the Carthaginian general have in common? No, it’s not the ability to crush their enemies; it’s that they all possess high agency. And what made Martin Luther, Leonardo da Vinci, Marie Curie, Shakespeare and Julius Caesar so special? You guessed it: their high agency. According to our podcaster friends, it seems that every great figure from history enjoyed high agency.
So, what does this new corporate catchphrase mean? Not very much, as I found out. Much like ‘self-starter’, ‘go-getter’, and ‘industry-disruptor’, high agency is just another overhyped term that looks good on a CV but means nothing in the real world. It’s also a terrifying example of how the LinkedIn lexicon is encroaching on our personal lives. Terms like high agency were once reserved for business meetings and inner-city pub toilets where yuppies snorted lines of Charlie off the bog. Now these phrases are becoming common speak.
The characteristics often associated with high-agency individuals are not to be dismissed. Being proactive, independent and sceptical of the status quo are all virtues that we should celebrate. What we should not celebrate is this emerging world of half-wit podcasters and media gurus who make us feel inadequate. The vast majority of us are struggling to make ends meet. The job market is on its knees. Salaries are laughably low. There is talk of a recession at every corner. Most of these podcasters have never lived in the real world, and if they have, it was a long time ago. Pointing your finger at the great figures of history and referring to them as high agency is all well and good, but it does nothing for the little man.
Do these podcasters seriously think that being able to make decisions is enough to turn one’s life around? And what does having high agency look like for people with real jobs? Sorry to break it to you, but ‘content creator’ is not a real job. What does a high-agency firefighter look like? Do they decide one day to tackle the fire alone because that’s what a maverick does? And what does a maverick surgeon look like, or a lawyer, or a receptionist? There’s a fine line between self-determination and selfishness.
I’m all for receiving life advice, but it’s time these podcasters read the room. You make a living by telling others what to do. The rest of us make a living by doing. You talk about high-agency individuals being active and low-agency individuals being passive, but your jobs are the most passive of them all. You know what’s really high agency? Getting up every day and working towards your goals even if the world feels like it’s crumbling around you. You know what’s not high agency? Sitting in a leather swivel chair, smoking a cigar, and lecturing the general public on their mental and physical shortcomings. That’s not high agency; it’s conceited, trite, and it’s getting boring.
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