Ban smartphones for kids!

I understand the allure of smartphones, if you’re the parent of an adolescent (or younger) moron – which I believe many of you are.

You have booked a nice table for Sunday lunch and would appreciate not having to engage your offspring in a dialogue of inanities regarding the things which most concern them at the present time: the wickedness of Great Britain, historically and indeed today; the wickedness of the generation which brought them into the world; their debilitating and unsightly skin issues; their plans for transitioning; their fear that by the time they are 20 they will not be able to afford to buy a flat in Belgravia solely because of aforesaid wickedness; the fascinating evidence they saw on YouTube about Israel, global warming and the Freemasons; why it’s right to cancel people who disagree with them about stuff; why their stipend is laughably insufficient; why working for a living serves only to hasten the death of the polar bears; why Hamas has a bloody good point and so on, and so on, interminably and yet also incredibly briefly on each issue because they have entirely lost the power of concentration and can recall only 7.6 seconds of any salient argument, as a consequence of their 24-hour phone usage.

A smartphone is the post-toddler equivalent of a dummy. It occupies them for entire days at a time

Far easier and more convivial simply to nod in assent when they take out their devices and thoroughly enjoy your lunch while they loll, slack-jawed, eyes glazed, posting insulting imbecilities on Snapchat. Or whatevs.

The smartphone debate throws up interesting allegiances and enmities which are, to my mind, more reflective of the political divide in this country than almost any other issue. In short, if you are a libertarian you are against anything which would restrict an individual’s freedom to access whatever the hell he, or she, wishes to access – always bearing in mind the maxim caveat emptor, especially when, later, they kill themselves.