Competition | 14 February 2009

In Competition No. 2582 you were invited to submit proverbs for the 21st century.
Reading the entry brought to mind the magnificently mangled proverbs of Patrick O’Brian’s Captain Jack Aubrey (‘There’s a great deal to be said for making hay while the iron is hot’; ‘A bird in the hand waits for no man’). Your nuggets of contemporary folk wisdom made rather more sense, though.

It was a large postbag bristling with wit and cynicism. That scourge of the television schedules, the celebrity chef, was a popular target. Brian Murdoch sums it up neatly: ‘Too many cooks. Period’. An equally hot topic was the credit crunch and its related horrors. Several of you came up with the heartfelt ‘An Englishman’s home is his millstone’ and there were plenty more along the same gloomy lines.
On a more cheerful note, the best of the bunch, printed below, get a fiver per pair of proverbs. Don’t spend it all at once.

You’re never too old to earn.
Where there’s a will, there’s inheritance tax plus solicitor’s fees.
There’s a low-energy light bulb at the end of the tunnel.
Where there’s smoke there’s a government health warning.
The best things in life are expensive.
Give credit where credit is due and is covered by government guarantees.
Alan Millard

A Rolling Stone keeps playing.
There are plenty of phish on the net.
Marriages are made in internet chatrooms.
Travel broadens the backside.
D.A. Prince

2 r is u man, 2 4-giv d vne.
People who live in glasshouses are eco-friendly.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will let me sue you.
Many hands make downsizing imperative.
Brian Murdoch

Sky at night, Murdoch’s delight; Sky in the morning, ditto.
If you can’t beat them, give them an Asbo.
You can lead a house to market, but you can’t sell it.
Those who can teach; those who can’t become Ofsted inspectors.