In Competition No. 2621 you were invited to invent a new magazine combining two existing publications and provide an extract from it.
It was with great reluctance that I disqualified Josh Ekroy’s poignant portrait of an angst-ridden budgerigar. The publications in question had to be real ones, and energetic attempts to track down Existentialist Monthly and Your Budgie came to naught. In a strong field, Frank McDonald and W.J. Webster stood out; while Bill Greenwell’s synthesis of the phenomenally popular Take a Break — which invites readers to sell their stories of ‘love and betrayal, loss and sin’ — and Identity, the BNP house mag, had a pleasing ring of plausibility He and his fellow winners bag £30 each. The bonus fiver is Adrian Fry’s.
Fortean Times and The Economist
Incontrovertible evidence of world economic recovery is at last at hand. We have conflated no fewer than 11 popular growth indices (Fig. 1) and found that they combine to create an image of President Obama giving a thumbs up. City analysts have noted an increased speed of beard growth on the ageless tramp sited outside the Bank of England, a phenomenon last observed during the recovery of 1986. A class of junior school children in Sidcup have simultaneously reached an understanding of Endogenous Growth Theory, according to their teacher, Miss Huxtable. Last Monday, the Chancellor Alistair Darling’s mobile telephone number momentarily mirrored the precise value of Britain’s national debt. Recent predictions of a double dip recession can now be confirmed as mere hiccoughs in the ether, a conclusion channelled in Leeds by psychic dog Muffin from Gordon Brown’s all-knowing sightless eye. Spending by Librans — always credulous — is already increasing.
Adrian Fry
Hansard and TV Choice
Kenneth Barlow (Weatherfield West, Conservative) asked when there would be a recovery in the supply of younger women that he could then implausibly seduce.
Deirdre Barlow (Weatherfield East, Labour): my honourable Friend appears unaware that in times of financial stringency the immigration of characters must be limited. I shall report further in my dialogue during next Friday’s programme.
Elizabeth McDonald (Newton Ridley, Independent) asked when the landlady of the Queen Victoria would explain the uneven distribution of decent plots between Southern and Northern public houses.
Speaker: we cannot compel the Noble Landlady to come here from the other place. I refer honourable characters to the cross-party committee on differentials between Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor.
Bruce Forsyth (Pensioners’ Party, Shepherds Bush): I am not a soap character, fictitious I am not. And besides, the committee is not cross, it is livid. (Laughter, following activity from the Whips.)
Brian Murdoch
Take a Break and Identity
I knew when I first saw him that he was a passionate Brit. He took me everywhere with him — the park with the bandstand, wild heather-clad moorlands where the ancient oaks grew, the charming harbour where our ancestors fought off the Moorish navy in 1450, and of course, he came with me and the kids to the rallies.
It was when we were knocking on doors that I first sensed something amiss. I stroked his gorgeous hair, and said, ‘Colin?’
‘Mmmm, love?’
‘You don’t understand about the Roman Empire, do you? It wasn’t proper democracy. Greeks and Sumerians first invented that.’ I cradled his head, and I felt him shaking.
‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘And now we vote for British people in British parliaments [sic].’
‘Oh, what a fool I’ve been, Anne,’ he said tenderly, and kissed me. I knew then that we’d be together for a thousand years.
Bill Greenwell
Playboy and Gardeners’ World
The early winter is perhaps not the most tantalising time in the garden, but the eye can still be teased by statuesque flower stems and the lithe limbs of deciduous shrubs in an otherwise naked bed. Now is the ideal time of year for stripping the borders bare for winter, though the vegetable garden can still delight. Grab any fine weather opportunity to plant pert winter onion sets, which will grow to rounded voluptuousness by next spring. Gardeners who have caressed their grass all summer will be warmed by the sight of a silken sward throughout the year. If it is too cold and damp for working outside, you can always retreat to the steamy heat of the greenhouse or the comforting warmth of the potting shed, to clean the tools and review the pin-ups. See centrefold of faux-marble bathing Aphrodite — something for the garden for next summer, perhaps?
Juliet Walker
Welcome to Issue No. 1 of Readers’ Whines, a joint venture dovetailing the very best of the Saga and Penthouse titles. Here’s what you can expect:
‘Denture Adventures’: silver swingers get down and dirty; ‘Pensioner Pet of the Month’ — grannies are goers too! Techno: iPod or hearing aid? We test-drive the latest kit. Puzzle page: ‘Find Your Glasses’ and ‘Whose Keys are These?’ Serious fun for those of you with Oldtimer’s Disease. Confession Session: we reveal anecdotes to tickle more than your imagination! E.g., ‘WI Brides — Our Secret Sins!; ‘I Care Too much For My Carer’; ‘Amazing Nookie in Hilda’s Suzuki!’ Check out our special feature, ‘When I Was Young and Easy’: third-agers scrabble to recall their glory days. And ‘Senior Positions’: what can you still get up to? Try before you die.
Mike Morrison
No. 2624: Memorably bad
You are invited to submit a poem in the style of William McGonagall on an issue of contemporary relevance to the Scots. Entries to Competition 2624 by midday on 25 November or email lucy@spectator.co.uk. Email is preferable in view of the current postal disruption.
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