In Competition No. 2601 you were invited to submit snippets of misleading advice for tourists visiting Britain. You were at your cruel and mischievous best this week; the entry was a magnificent compendium of misinformation. There were a lot of like minds out there. J. Seery’s ‘In public toilets it is considered rude not to engage the man in the next urinal in jovial conversation’ was echoed by many. Equally popular were variations on D.A. Prince’s ‘On boarding a London Underground train it is customary to shake hands with every occupant before sitting’, while Mark Ambrose added a sadistic twist to the frequently proffered advice that it is insulting to tip black-cab drivers: ‘A driver of a black taxi will forego a tip from a minicab driver if you can provide a business card.’ Several of you sent unsuspecting visitors to Shakespeare’s Stratford via the Docklands Light Railway, and I liked the snippets which had a particularly irresistible plausibility, such as Bill Greenwell’s invitation to ‘visit the bird sanctuary at Canary Wharf’ and Mike Morrison’s helpful suggestion to ‘hang on to your sterling: eat and drink gratis at our splendid “free houses”’.
This comp is a classic with good reason. Well done, one and all! The winners, printed below, get a fiver per snippet.
It is legal to smoke cannabis in Britain, but only within the precincts of designated buildings, marked by a blue lamp.
State-licensed prostitutes of both sexes identify themselves by displaying copies of an erotic magazine called The Big Issue.
Throughout the UK, cats are regarded as vermin. If you can catch and kill one, take it to the nearest town hall to receive your bounty.
Basil Ransome-Davies
Tourists have priority at the ticket office on the Tube, so go straight to the front of the queue. Buying your tickets shouldn’t be rushed. Enquire as to the health of the clerk, his family and any pets. It is customary to pay in 1p coins with several foreign ones of the same colour for him to keep as a souvenir.
Tim Fry
In Glasgow pubs it is unwise to praise a local football team for partisan reasons. Be safe and just comment favourably on the UK national team, which plays under the alternative name for Britain, which (as all foreigners know) is ‘England’.
Brian Murdoch
The young men you see with cowls over their heads are novice monks sent into the community as volunteers to do charity work and earn the right to wear full monastic ‘habits’. Ask about these habits to break the conversational ice with the notoriously shy youngsters.
W.J. Webster
Deck chairs in St James’s Park are for the use of prostitutes operating under Royal Warrant. They pay a small fee to their ‘attendant’, who will advise any customer how to make an approach.
Every large railway station has a display area commemorating ‘Smith’ (Britain’s commonest surname) providing a wide range of magazines free to bona fide travellers.
D.A. Prince
Overburdened? Leave your rucksack on the Tube and phone later to ask them to drop it off at your hotel. For the last leg of your journey, your cabby will be glad to borrow your A to Z.
Feeling poor? Visit Westminster Abbey and help yourself from the passing plate.
John Plowman
When the Angel of the North takes to the air it is an astonishing sight. If you happen to have missed one of the unscheduled twice-daily flights, you may have to wait for up to six hours for the next, but it’s worth it!
David Silverman
When visiting Northern Ireland on 12 July (Earth Day), feel free to join in a parade, shouting ‘Up the Green Republic!’
John O’Byrne
When seeing a doctor, he’ll be proud to show you his certificates of qualification.
Michael Birt
Those who man ticket windows on railway stations expect you to haggle and will initially quote an absurdly high fare. Offer a quarter of the sum demanded and never go above half.
Keith Norman
English squirrels carry rabies. If you see a squirrel in a public park, the best way to warn others is to point at it and scream.
Chris Weller
The longer the place name, the easier the pronunciation. With names such as Kircudbright, Worcestershire and Machynlleth, just say them exactly as they are spelt and everyone will know where you want to go.
The empty fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square is for foreign visitors to stand on for photo opportunities. There may be some obstruction in place from July onwards, but please do not be deterred.
Juliet Walker
In provincial villages, red cylindrical containers are provided for litter.
Bill Greenwell
Police who stop you for traffic offences always expect a tip.
Josh Ekroy
Aggressive British drunks can always be soothed by asking them Lewis Carroll’s riddle, ‘Why is a raven like a writing desk?’
J. Seery
When next in a queue at a cash dispenser, do not leave any space between yourself and the person using the machine as it is an invitation for someone to go ahead of you.
Mark Ambrose
In the National Gallery, one is encouraged to get the feel of artistic composition by running one’s fingers over features and figures in the paintings.
Michael Brereton
At a Test match at Lord’s when the umpire gives a batsman out as lbw, shout, ‘He’s offside, ref!’ The other spectators will be highly amused.
Donald Blakeley
No. 2604: Odd couple
Imagine that Graham Greene and J.K. Rowling, or Philip Roth and Edna O’Brien, sat down together to write a book. You are invited to submit a passage from a novel that is the product of a collaboration between two unlikely bedfellows (150 words maximum and please stipulate bedfellows). Entries to ‘Competition 2604’ by 9 July or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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