Lucy Vickery presents the latest competition
In Competition No. 2584 you were invited to contribute to the wave of Darwin mania sweeping the globe by submitting limericks to mark the bicentenary of the naturalist’s birth. Limerick comps are guaranteed to pull in the punters and this one prompted a flood of biblical proportions, with a lot of unfamiliar names — from the United States, in particular. There is room for only 17, which meant that many worthy contenders didn’t make the cut. So in the interests of making way for as many winners as possible, I’ll put a sock in it. Those printed below are rewarded with a princely £8 apiece.
The Church was much less than elated
When its teaching was openly slated
As Darwin revealed
That the beasts of the field
Had not been created as stated.
Martin Parker
I’ve heard the great man’s why and how
And am fully prepared to allow
That all creatures contrive
To evolve and survive —
But just how are we doing that now?
W.J. Webster
Said a redneck from West Tennessee
‘This Darwin stuff’s bunk, I can see.
The Lord made his design
Which I reckon damn fine
’Cause its final end-product is me.’
George Simmers
There was a young sailor from Mere
Who ran from the Beagle in fear
When he heard of the plan
Of the crew, to a man
To grab, cook and eat Darwin’s Rhea.
William Danes-Volkov
The strong enjoy leisure and laughter,
Like the stars who win Oscar and Bafta,
But the meek are neglected,
And seldom selected,
Unless one accepts the hereafter.
Frank McDonald
‘Alleluia!’ cried God. ‘All is solved
And Darwin is duly absolved.
He’s made it quite clear
How I came to be here
And at last I know how I evolved.’
Alan Millard
First Genesis bugged him but then
He found he could still say Amen
When his origin line
Verified the divine:
God made animals first and then men.
Alanna Blake
The amoeba, our distant relation
Still questions the ‘myth’ of creation
And, left on the shelf,
It makes love to itself,
Thus risking eternal damnation.
David Silverman
‘Too fat’ growled the skipper. ‘Get fit.
You’ll need to slim down a good bit
Just to get home alive;
It’s the fittest survive.’
‘By jove!’ cried Charles Darwin. ‘That’s it!’
Colin Sydenham
Debating Charles Darwin’s new theory
Sam Wilberforce wisecracked a query.
The advantage was lost
When Tom Huxley’s riposte
Made His Grace appear gracelessly sneery.
Ray Kelley
When Darwin described Man’s ‘descent’,
Many clergy urged Charles to repent
Or the gents and the ladies
Will descend into Hades.
This is not the descent that he meant!
Michael Turniansky
‘Well, I don’t consider you weird,’
Said Emma, as Darwin appeared:
‘They’d see you’re as human
As Cardinal Newman
If only you’d trim back that beard!’
Norman Dawes
Pondered Darwin: ‘Long primeval times
Witnessed little in various climes.
Then, through some aberration,
Man evolved through saltation,
And arose to compose silly rhymes.’
A.G. Crow
A chimp who was asked to discuss
Evolution, cried out with a cuss:
‘Those erect hairless creatures
With the hideous features:
They can’t be related to us!’
Marion Shore
Though his arguments cut like a knife,
Objections to Darwin are rife:
Any limerick’s wracked
By the name of his tract
On The Origins of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or The Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life.
Bill Greenwell
It’s difficult, coming to terms
With knowing that segmented worms
Were forebears. And yet,
There are people we’ve met
Who embody what Darwin confirms.
Mae Scanlan
According to natural selection,
Mankind has been tweaked to perfection.
But such theories don’t work
When you think of the berks
Who tend to win general elections.
Celeste Francis
No. 2587: Open and shut case
The annual Bulwer–Lytton contest challenges entrants to come up with a magnificently bad opening to an imaginary novel. You are invited to submit a first paragraph so appalling that it is guaranteed to repel any would-be reader (150 words maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2587’ by 12 March or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
Comments