Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

Cut-price torture

Melissa Kite leads a Real Life

My favourite television advertisement at the moment is for EDF energy, which promises us that it can make our bills lower. All we have to do is use less gas and electricity. Please, do not snort. I snorted initially. Then a few days later I received my gas bill from EDF. It was the largest household bill I have ever received. It was the size of a mortgage. It was eye-watering. It was heartstopping. It made me gasp for breath and clutch at the kitchen table until my knuckles turned white. The panic only subsided partially once I had investigated my savings portfolio and ascertained that if I moved large sums of money around and sold a few shares I could probably just about pay it. But before I did any of that I let go of the kitchen table, staggered over to the thermostat, slammed my hand against the controls with great ceremony and shut off the heating with every intention of keeping if off forever.

I made my excuses to the various pets arraigned in front of me who are the real beneficiaries of Electricité de France’s services as they are the ones who sit at home all day absorbing the premium-rated heat. ‘I’m sorry,’ I told BB, the giant rabbit, and my tabby cat, Louis. ‘But things have got to change.’ They looked back at me most pathetically, but I have stuck to my guns through fair weather and foul ever since. The heating is not coming back on. And I’m not using the cooker either (actually, I have to be honest, I turned that particular appliance off at the mains ages ago when I realised I hadn’t used it for about five years).

Anyway, the point is this: EDF was right.

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