Data fascism

Life is too secure 

Security is a scary thing. I sometimes get the impression that my life, in so far as it is still my life, has been sealed in bubble wrap by major corporations and filed in a vault behind ten metres of steel.

It is obvious, for example, that the only people now capable of accessing my bank account details are criminal hacking gangs. No one with any lesser degree of skill could possibly get through the labyrinthine process that my bank has just installed on its internet portal.

I put my most valiant efforts into it just now. I applied every bit of patience and brainpower. I entered my pass code and the last four digits of my debit card. I got the little calculator thingy called PINsentry™ and inserted my debit card into it. I pressed Identify, while balancing the contraption in sunlight. It flashed up a code. I entered it into the box on the computer screen. I waited. Nothing. I did the whole thing again. The solar powering failed. I couldn’t see the code. The computer told me in no uncertain terms that I was not up to the job of looking at my own bank account details.

I would phone my dedicated telephone banking team to ask them to intercede but telephone ‘help’ lines have gone the same way. Only a ruthless criminal intent on stealing someone else’s identity could possibly have the nerve, patience and skill to withstand them.

Press the star key on your keypad twice now. Listen to the following four options, none of which is remotely what you had in mind — no phone, gas or credit card company will ever offer you the option of paying your bill.