Q. I suffer from a form of visual Spoonerism (in New College chapel Warden Spooner concluded, ‘in the sermon which I have just been preaching, wherever I have said Aristotle I have meant St Paul’). I often recognise a person as somebody completely different. The other day I went to a private view at a Bond Street gallery and confidently greeted our host as Gerry. I thought he seemed a little cool. As we left I said a cheerful ‘Goodbye, Gerry’. Actually it turns out that his name is Christopher, and I know perfectly well the difference between Christopher and Gerry. What am I to do to remedy this unfortunate gaffe?
R.O., Kent
A. Since there is very little you can do about this propensity you must use it to spark self- importance in your victims. Syndromes are all the rage these days and this is the first time that old-fashioned absent-mindedness has been billed as ‘visual Spoonerism’. If you are aware such a gaffe has happened, make sure you refer to it as soon as naturally possible with the subject of your confusion. Beam brightly as you out yourself as a sufferer of VSS (Visual Spoonerism Syndrome). Urge your interlocutor to consider whether they too might suffer from a syndrome of any kind, then nod in fascination as they answer. Most people are able to dredge one up if they try.
Q. I enjoyed the problem of your correspondent of 23 February who is organising a 50th birthday party. My own 40th birthday is looming. I do not want the day to go unmarked but I am a single woman. I am not loaded and feel it would be a bit weird to throw a great big party for myself anyway. Given that most of my friends are recovering alcoholics and not up for downing great quantities of champagne in any case, what would be the most appropriate form of celebration, Mary?
R.S., London SW15
A. Why not give a party in a Pottery Café? Block-book all the places on, say, a Saturday afternoon and invite 20 of your sober friends. People adore being given mildly competitive tasks in a schoolroom-type scenario so give each one of them an unglazed dinner plate and set them to work hand-painting it. Ask that they give the result to you as your birthday present. The procedure of hand-painting an intricate design at a small table (to a background of enjoyable chatter) is soothing. Many will select more items to decorate after they have finished their work for you. This party should set you back no more than £400 and will reap a lasting archive of pottery tributes. Warning — do not invite guests to paint jugs or bowls as these are too difficult to store if hideous.
Q. My husband has been acting very strangely, pulling agonised faces in a mirror, wearing spectacles and practising speaking very slowly in a woman’s voice. He has become obsessed by Gill Harbord, the formidable headmistress of Eggleston Hall finishing school in the ITV series Ladette to Lady. Conversation is now impossible as he enunciates each syllable he speaks with a maddening precision, and the more I complain the more it eggs him on.
E.P., London W11
A. Do not rise to your husband’s bait. The series has now ended so his infatuation will soon fizzle out due to lack of nourishment. Meanwhile you should conceal any DVDs or videotapes he has made of the series until such time as he can control his urge to ‘channel’ Mrs Harbord.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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