Q. A friend from university invited my boyfriend and me to stay with her parents in a very grand house over New Year. We were made very welcome, but my boyfriend felt out of his depth in at least one instance and wonders what you would have advised. On New Year’s Day there was a large number of people for lunch. The butler went round the table with a tray of roast beef, offering it to each person in turn to help themselves. The piece my boyfriend tried to take was attached by gristle to a sort of concertina of other slices and when he tried to cut through the gristle the butler did not respond by exerting resistant pressure from underneath the tray but instead slackened his grip so my boyfriend could not cut through. He ended up trying to save face by taking all the attached slices — which was far too big a helping. Mary, please tell us, what on earth should have been done in this very embarrassing situation with my boyfriend’s neighbour pausing his conversation as he waited to serve himself?
Name and address withheld
A. Your boyfriend should have simply put the ball back into the butler’s court, saying pleasantly, ‘Shall I let you take this away and deal with it?’ before resuming conversation with his neighbour.
Q. My family and I have been invited to lunch with my boss in the country. I foresee a difficult situation since my boss takes a derring-do attitude to life and his children are allowed to drive around the estate on a quad bike. They are similar in age to my own and no doubt mine will be invited to jump aboard as soon as we arrive. How can I say ‘No,’ without seeming like a spoilsport or to be distrusting the judgment of my boss’s son?
B.Q., Worcestershire
A. Turn the offer into a huge joke by saying ‘Oh, they would love to, normally. What a shame they can’t. It would be totally inappropriate if I had to sue you of all people.’
Q. Re: Christmas issue Problems where Sir Tim Rice sought advice on whether to sit next to his driver or in the back. What utter tosh! Sir Tim Rice sits in the back, reads a book or the newspaper, keeps his eyes off the road and does not engage the driver in any conversation until the car has come to a red light or a definite halt. Politely state the destination and then shut up. It is an embarrassment for these professional drivers to have some classy big nob sitting alongside. Always feeling he has to make quite unwelcome matey conversation, he also gets in the way of the driving mirrors, when the driver should be concentrating on the traffic ahead. Having had the service of one driver for over 40 years, it has been a pleasure to leave the driving to someone else as one reads through Marcel Proust, War and Peace and The Tale of Genji, among many others. Back seat then, and also in taxis. Many tourists feel it is democratic to sit in front. It is not. It is just a nuisance!
S.H., Singapore
A. Thank you for contributing your personal experience which concurs with the advice given.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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