Q. We are in the habit of entertaining guests from overseas, including a countess, at a bush camp in one of the excellent KwaZulu Natal game reserves. Usually we go, in a group of up to eight, on game walks, which bring us up close to animals including rhinos. From time to time, when a rhino coughs or stomps or advances in our direction we have to scramble up into the branches of nearby (if we are lucky) trees. This is predictably wild and disorganised and less agile guests tend to clog up access to the branches. As a host I would like some advice on protocols please, Mary. Would it be correct for me to lead the scrambled retreat and be the first to leap into the branches — I am usually the fittest and most agile of the group — and pull the others up behind me? Or should I remain at the base of the tree and place my hands under the countess’s bottom and propel her upwards into the leafy and often thorny canopy and hope that she will make room for the rest of the group before my own safety is imperilled?
P.I.F., South Africa
A. Much depends on the dimensions and agility of the countess. Professional climbers assert that hauling a dead weight up from above, without ropes or pulleys, is not easy, especially if panic has caused the weight to wriggle violently. With a helping hand from below, that same fear may drive the least gymnastic dowager to scale the most branchless tree like a chimpanzee, giving you time to scurry up after her. The danger to your business and reputation if a client were savaged by a rhino while you were known to have taken refuge cannot be overstated. Ideally, you should practise drills before setting out. This will give you a safe opportunity to do the buttock-handling you are clearly seeking endorsement for. There should be no need to court further danger-linked stimulation in the already overcharged atmosphere of safari-land.
Q. We have great friends with whom we go out six times a year to expensive restaurants and take it in turns to pay. The last two times they have said it was our turn to pay when, in fact, it was their turn. We really want to go on going out with them but it is getting very expensive. We are sure it is an oversight, not meanness. What to do?
H.S., Maida Vale, London
A. Next time you plan an outing drawl in an absentminded manner: ‘Now you paid the last two times so it’s our turn to take you… No, hang on a minute, that’s wrong. I’ve just been looking at our credit card statement. We paid the last two times so it’s your turn. Do you mind?’ Quickly cushion the minor blow by adding. ‘Why don’t you choose where we go, then?’
Q. I fear the advice to your correspondent, (19 September) that he continues to consume the cat food privately, is less than prudent. Excessive consumption could well result in him breaking his neck, trying to lick behind his ears.
A.M.M., Aberdeenshire
A. You refer to our reader in the West Indies who, caught short by the unexpected arrival of guests for drinks, found that tinned cat food with brandy added made an excellent pate for cocktail snacks. I advised that he did not serve it to guests again, but could continue to consume it privately. Thank you for writing.
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