From Michael Fabricant MP
Q. When I go for intimate meals at a restaurant with a friend, I am invariably asked by other diners for a selfie or have embarrassing questions about my hairstyle directed at me. How can I turn these down — particularly the latter — while not seeming churlish?
A. Confuse the applicants by saying you’ve promised yourself you’ll stop talking about your hair. And you’re asking everyone who wants a selfie for a £10 donation to the party. As the coffers fill, you can conflate the stress of these impertinences with a good cause. Soon your frown will turn upside down.
From Anthony Horowitz
Q. All year round, and particularly at Christmas, I am asked to provide quotations to go on the covers of other people’s books. Being something of a soft touch, I usually agree, with the result that my name is now on many more books than I have actually written. My problem is that a close friend, someone who has been very helpful to me, has asked me for just such an endorsement but I really don’t like his book at all. He’s too sharp to accept a mealy-mouthed line from me. How can I turn down the request without offending?
A. Explain that for security reasons you cannot be associated with this particular book. By a terrible coincidence, one of your most stalky and obsessive fans has sent you a manuscript almost identical in plot. His is unlikely to be published but if he sees your name endorsing a ‘rival’s’ book he will imagine plagiarism by proxy and will sue, or worse. Indeed, why not use this idea as a kick-off for the third in your series of thrillers featuring yourself as a character? Later your writer friend will understand how you blurred fact and fiction.
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