Your problems solved
Q. When my husband retired two years ago I was pleased that I would no longer be obliged to be polite to his colleague, Bob. Now my husband says the reason he’s so restless at night is that he keeps having hectic action-adventure dreams featuring Bob. On holiday, Bob managed to infiltrate our room in Corsica. I don’t like Bob, Mary. How can I evict him from my bedroom?
D.M., Cannes, France
A. The dreams suggest that your husband stepped down too early and that the disturbing figure of Bob has become conflated with his former high-octane activities. He should now take up some part-time low-octane work. This would not only satisfy his continuing lust for the adrenalising thrill of achievement it would also present him with new colleagues. One of these could become a more benign bogeyman to topple Bob from his position as chief nocturnal tormenter.
Q. Further to your letter from J.W. in Phnom Penh who asked where, in the absence of a mantelpiece, he should display invitations, you may tell him that many ambassadors without fireplaces use their windowsills.
P.W., East Kennet, Wiltshire
A. Thank you for alerting tropical and sub-tropical readers to this alternative display method.
Q. I am one of a group of six young women who have known each other since college and we plan much of our social calendars around each other. In recent years, however, one of our group has fallen by the wayside owing to her contracting a marriage with someone whom the rest of the group consider an inappropriate suitor. During a brief renaissance in our friendship I suggested that in the lead-up to her wedding we girls organise a weekend break to celebrate her upcoming nuptials. The cost would be split among the five of us so our friend would not have to pay for anything. I forgot all about it until this past week when I received an email saying my friend was looking forward to the trip and asking when would be convenient to begin organising it. I now regret suggesting we go away and do not wish to organise and pay for such an excursion as I feel that this friend is no longer as close a part of the gang as she used to be. How can I extricate myself from this situation?
G., London, SW1
A. I am withholding the information you request since your own behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. In the first place a failure to follow through with your celebratory promise is unacceptable, whether or not your old friend has morphed into a less desirable social commodity than she once was. As old friends you have invested emotional capital in each other and every one in the group is entitled to claim the ‘interest’ when milestone events loom. What about auld lang syne?
Q. My boyfriend is great in all respects but he has a habit of eating with his mouth open. He stops when asked but it is a problem when we have guests to dinner as I am obviously unable to remind him that he is doing it again. Your advice, Mary?
D.D., Richmond, Yorkshire
A. Commission a local ceramicist to knock up a saltcellar in the shape of a cement mixer. This will afford you the opportunity to wordlessly pass him the cellar when the abuse occurs and thereby remind him of the cement-mixing effect created by his open mouth.
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