Dear Mary | 16 February 2008

Q. I am currently living, with two others, in a ‘high end’ house in an elegant garden square in Chelsea. We are all friends of, and pay rent in some form to, our absentee landlord, an old-school landowner and pig breeder who, when not charming the birds from the trees, is generally blasting the life out of them at his stately pile in north Norfolk. He is used to commanding retainers and, when in London, these feudal tendencies remain at the fore. Over the years the triffid-like growth of the buddleia tree in the garden had rendered the masonry perilous and poised to crash down on the minimalist plate-glass extension of the banker next door. The potential litigation could have been lethal so, on a trip up from the country, our landlord took to the overgrowth with zeal. He left the job unfinished and the garden now resembles a village napalmed in Vietnam. Now when he descends on us he despairs at our lethargy in not getting out and cutting the branches down to size, bagging them up, carrying them up through a difficult staircase and out into the street before finding somewhere to dispose of it all. We three work hard at our various jobs and would do anything in our power to avoid this chore in our own homes (if we still had them). How can we deal with our landlord who is as sweet as pie when happy, but highly excitable when disagreed with on any matter? 
P.R., London SW3

A. Contact your local probation officer who will be only too pleased to have some simple but physically demanding work to give to youths in his care on community-service sentences. A minder would supervise the work which may be cost-free to you. Should this tactic fail, seek out itinerant workers from the Gumtree website and pay them a peppercorn wage to do it. In this way you will maintain your dignity and avoid setting a precedent for performing feudal duties in the future.

Q. I am a relatively junior member of a large publishing company and some of my colleagues have deputed me to write to you. We work in a busy but tranquil open-plan office where a handful of senior figures work in the privacy of their own cubicles. One of them seems to be under the impression that her room is soundproof, but this is not the case. Annoyingly, when speaking about anything that would be interesting to overhear, she keeps her voice low and well modulated; but when she laughs, the sound ricochets off the walls and makes us all start with fright. She is a good-natured person and is completely unaware that these frequent, hyena-like cackles are distracting and unnerving. How can we persuade her to moderate her mirthful responses without hurting her feelings or jeopardising our careers?
R.J.S., address withheld

A. Offer work experience to a fully or partially gay youth who will fearlessly collude with you in ridding the office of this nuisance. At the end of day one he must set your colleague’s laugh as the ringtone for his own mobile. In no time your colleague will burst into the main office, confused by the replica laugh. She may demand the intern’s dismissal when she identifies the source. ‘But it’s not an insult,’ your team can insist. ‘He absolutely adores your laugh. It’s a huge tribute to you!’ Ensure the calls keep on coming and your colleague will soon have had a maddening dose of her own medicine. She will swiftly learn to moderate her laugh accordingly.