Dear Mary… | 17 June 2006

Q. I recently celebrated my CP (civil partnership), having been with my boyfriend for almost 21 years. I had planned it for months and arranged a flamenco evening at a smart venue in St James’s in London. We were restricted by the number of people we could ask, so I expected that all those who RSVPd in the positive would definitely show up. Can you imagine how disappointed I was when several people didn’t show up? Some had illnesses, and I could fully understand those, but one or two had lame excuses about baby-sitters and missing a train. Should I forgive them, as not only did I have to pay for them but I could have asked someone else in their place? What do you think, Mary?
M.K., Mildenhall, Wilts

A. There is a law of party dynamics which dictates that no matter how many people have RSVPd to such an important invitation in the affirmative, on the day in question a typical three in 100 guests will drop out for an unavoidable reason. Since this law is immutable it is sensible for a host to invite at least three extra people per 100 in anticipation of the inevitable shortfall. In this way a host avoids the post-party projection of personal frustration over waste. Should you forgive those who failed to attend? As a general rule in life you should always forgive. Certainly at least one of these guests who offered what you perceived to be a ‘lame’ excuse has already forgiven you.

Q. Close friends and neighbours are opening their garden to the public in order to raise money for a local charity. We know the garden well, of course, but although I had intended to support our friends by helping to swell the numbers, my husband is adamant that we should not go.