Q. I gave a drinks party at which I introduced two men who should have got on well. Instead one, who had had a bit too much to drink, became verbally aggressive, using a disagreement over architecture as the pretext for attacking the other. Despite my knowing the aggressor so well, and despite the passivity of his target, I was powerless to calm things down and it almost ended in (one-sided) fisticuffs. How could I have defused the tension?
—M.W., London SW3
A. To distract an aggressor at a party, raise your hand in a general stop sign, tap your glass and call for general silence. Announce that a large quantity of cash has been found on the floor. Would everyone please check to see whether it is they who have dropped it. He or she who identifies the correct amount you have found will be able to claim it back from you. There will be a lottery-style buzz of excitement as people check their pockets and bags. Meanwhile the tension will defuse naturally. Often aggressors welcome an excuse to stop ranting and someone else has to provide it for them.
Q. Recently at a friend’s house, I was offered the fruit bowl. Unfortunately the first piece of fruit I picked was very unripe, and unpleasant to eat. However I felt it was rude to put the offending fruit back and manhandle the other fruits till I found a ripe specimen. How could I have caused minimal offence to my hostess and my stomach?
—O.K., Wilts.
A. You were not to blame but you could have put your (clearly anxious) hostess at her ease by saying, ‘Oh I have done something very silly. I should have let you choose a ripe one for me. Can we leave this one for the compost? Sorry.’
Q. I have recently had two youngish builders working for me, and in a rare spell of sunny weather they asked if it would be all right to remove their shirts. I naturally agreed. One of them had a religious pastiche on his upper torso: the Virgin Mary, sundry cherubs and what looked like a scene from the Kama Sutra. The other inclined more to the Garden of Eden, with a snake heading with forked tongue down towards his lower abdomen. Could you let me know what the correct reaction to this artwork is? Ignore them completely? Say something inane like, ‘Ah, vita brevis, ars longa’? My young (early thirties and definitely middle class) niece has a tasteful swallow on her left shoulder. Where are we on all this?
—H.A., by email.
A. Tattoos are never tasteful — they are not what nature intended. Their only use is their ability to signal someone with no capacity for thinking ahead. Consequently they are best ignored.
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