Your problems solved
Q. When my 16-year-old son has friends round I fill the fridge with beer for them. The other night, for example, ten boys came over. I know for a fact that only five of them really drink, yet after they had gone I found all 25 bottles had been opened and about ten left with just a couple of sips taken out of them. I think this is because the boys all want to pretend they drink but keep mislaying their bottles and opening another one. I had to throw all ten bottles away. In the credit crunch I would like to crack down on this waste but without seeming inhospitable. (My husband and I make ourselves scarce in the upstairs flat while these otherwise harmless parties are taking place.) What do you say, Mary?
B.B., London SW12
A. Next time, remove the shelves from the fridge and decant the correct amount of beer into a jug explaining that it is impossible to store single bottles due to the lack of shelves. Supply small-sized paper cups so that each flaky boy can have unlimited refills of their props without breaking the bank.
Q. I am a deeply frustrated actor who has had no luck with casting agents. I have made endless showreels to demonstrate my ability and versatility — and without wishing to sound arrogant, I have it on good authority that I can act — but suspect no one has looked at them. I fear I am being discriminated against because my father is in the ‘Rich List’ and it is thought I do not need the work. But I do need it, Mary. I am desperate to perform. How can I move forward?
Name and address withheld
A. If money is no object, there is no reason why you should not take a tip from multi-millionaire publisher Felix Dennis who, craving an audience for the late-onset poetry he is producing, simply hires venues and effectively pays the audience to attend. His tour, ‘Did I mention the free wine?’, has been a great success in terms of his receiving a rapturous reception from an audience fuelled by unlimited free wine costing roughly £18.75 a bottle and food such as spicy chicken wings. Entrance is free.
Were you to emulate Dennis, choosing venues perhaps in university towns, you would have no difficulty in casting fellow performers to join you on the stage, free of charge, and in this way you can satiate your lust for an audience, as well as focusing attention on yourself.
Q. My elder son and his wife are expecting their first baby and I would appreciate some suggestions on suitable names for grandparents. There can only be one Granny, and as the grandmother on the father’s side I am happy to take second billing, but am unsure what to suggest. Are Christian names now the norm?
C.H., London SW4
A. Christian names are not used in top households. There is no protocol which decrees that both grandmothers cannot be addressed as ‘Granny’ and both grandfathers as ‘Grandpa’ or ‘Grandpapa’. There is only a need to differentiate when referring to a grandparent in their absence, or indeed in their collective presence. To this end, separate grandparents are usually known as ‘Granny Yorkshire’ or ‘Granny London’ or better, they can be given the codicil of a nickname devised by the infant itself, e.g. ‘Granny glasses’ or ‘Grandpa quadbike’.
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