Q. Over the past three years a small birthday lunch party has been given for me by the mother of my daughter’s best friend at school. She invites a handful of other school mothers, and as we leave for the school run she says, ‘Same time, same place, next year!’ It is so sweet of her. I do take her out to lunch but cannot return the birthday-party favour, as her birthday falls outside term time. My problem is that I fear the tradition has run its course. I do not like having to commit myself a year in advance, and neither, I sense, do the other mothers. Our hostess could not be kinder, but she has more time on her hands than we do. How can I, without hurting her feelings, gently suggest that the next birthday lunch — which is about to happen — should be the last?
A. C-B.,Wales
A. At the next lunch ask whether anyone would mind if you left your mobile on. A cousin of yours is in hospital, about to give birth. (This is bound to be true. You don’t have to say how distant a cousin it is.) Say no more about it, but when you thank your hostess the next day, casually mention that a baby was indeed born to your cousin. ‘It’s so sweet, isn’t it?’ you can coo. ‘On my own birthday! We can start having our parties together, although it will be sad not to be spending it with you.’ In this way you can bring about a painless end to the custom.
Q. May I pass on a tip to readers? Having been invited to Ibiza, I found out that some friends of my parents are going out by NetJets to stay with the same people. Naturally, I wanted to blag a lift, but instead of asking directly, I emailed and asked if they could take my suitcase, as my budget airline has a luggage restriction. This was more subtle than asking for a lift for myself, but it still delivered the desired result.
P.R., London SW3
A. Your hint was just as unsubtle as a direct request. Asking for a lift on other people’s planes is a serious breach of etiquette. They cannot say no if going to the same house-party, but they would have already cast around for names of people who might want lifts if they felt like giving one. The main reason for splashing out on the luxury of NetJets is to avoid delays in timing. Having to worry about whether another passenger may be late, forget their passport or try to smuggle something means that they are robbed of the mental luxury they have paid for. If, on the other hand, you bond with these people in the course of the house-party, the likelihood is that they will offer you a lift on the way back, when they will have more control over your time-keeping.
Q. A friend of mine is having an affair with a semi-famous racing driver. Now she regularly accuses me in front of others of having leaked stories about this affair to the tabloids. This is not something I would do. For one thing, I write on financial matters for a serious publication. How can I shut her up?
Name and address withheld
A. Smile patiently while your friend rants. Then explain to her that her unjust accusations show her unconscious need to draw the attention of others to her brief moment of tabloid fame. Then remain silent while she blusters.
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