Q. Thank you for your advice regarding my ‘fecundity’ question (24 March), but I did refer in my question to a gastronomic salon i.e. a private house. The location was not a restaurant and no need to drop credit cards around!
—R.S., Bombay
A. I must apologise to readers for advising R.S. how to shake off a tiresome drunk in what I assumed was a restaurant scenario. When a drunk has bearded a happily chatting group in a private house it is a different matter. Here the correct protocol is for the most alpha member of the group to take responsibility. Simulating fascination with the drunk, he can suggest the others leave them alone so they can have a more intimate discussion. ‘I’ve seen you around and admired your style and there is something i’ve always wanted to ask you — it’s a little bit embarrassing so can I ask the others to move away…’ The alpha then embarks on a hypnotically boring story about himself. Provided the drunk is sitting comfortably, they will soon nod off. This trick is easier to pull off when people are staying overnight in the house and the following ruse can be used: ‘Can we go to your room? I have something absolutely riveting to tell you.’ On arrival in the room you say, ‘I’ll just go and get some more alcohol. Back in two minutes.’ There is no need to go back as the drunk will fall asleep and be very grateful in the morning for having been stopped in their tracks.
Q. My daughter and two of my godchildren attend the same boarding school. In the past I have regularly taken them out to Ask or Pizza Express for lunch. However, even though these are fairly budget-friendly, I can no longer afford to pay the £60 or so it will cost. How can I still see them and give them a treat — but one which costs less?
—M.W., Pewsey, Wilts
A. Why not simply buy a ready-cooked chicken from Waitrose, some soft baps and a squirty dispenser of Hellmann’s? Tell the children that they will be eating in the car, parked in the high street, so you can indulge in your favourite hobby of ‘man-watching’. You can also play betting games such as ‘how many fat people/girls in Ugg boots will pass the car in the next two minutes?’ This budgeting device has been successfully used by many parents recently.
Q. Your correspondent B.W. of Sittingbourne should remind her teetotaller guests that according to Christian tradition Lenten fasts do not apply on a Sunday. At least half the weekend may thereby be salvaged.
—T.B., Brisbane, Australia
A. Thank you for reminding readers of this tradition, but it is of little use to those weekenders who have to drive back to wherever they live after Sunday lunch and will not want to help the police to meet their conviction targets by being over the limit.
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