Q. How, when you have asked people for drinks at seven, can you make sure that they do not stay all evening? We recently moved to the country at weekends and my husband has invited some neighbours to come up for a drink on Saturday night. It did not occur to him that, because they are the sort of people who have ‘tea’ at six, they may think they are invited to stay for the whole evening.
— Name and address withheld
A. It is too late now. Your husband should have made himself clear when issuing the invitation. The formula would have been, ‘We’re going out on Saturday at 8.15 but can you come for a drink beforehand? Come at seven.’ Since he did not do this, one of you will have to slip out of the room if the group show no sign of leaving, and head for the fuse box. A power cut will give the perfect excuse to bring the proceedings to a merry halt. As you usher them out by torchlight, insist that your husband will tackle the fuse box on his own as only he knows how to do it and it takes forever.
Q. A billionaire invited me shooting and named the date. I accepted but there is now a week to go and I have heard nothing. How can I, without seeming pushy, consolidate this invitation?
— R.J., address withheld
A. Go straight to the billionaire’s PA and confide your dilemma. Explain that the last thing you want is to be pushy but neither have you any desire to let him down if everything has been prepared on the assumption you are coming. As you must know, it is a virtually unforgiveable offence to ‘chuck’ an accepted shooting invitation. The PA will be thrilled to hear from you — first, because people love proof that their bosses are incompetent and, second, because she may have been incompetent herself and delivered confirmation to the wrong address. If it emerges that the billionaire did not actually mean to invite you, it is he who will seem absurd and not you. If he wants you, it is as well that you checked. In either case you will have sidestepped embarrassment by going through the PA.
Q. I have developed a huge crush on my boss. As he is an insensitive sort of man I am sure he has no idea but I am worried about what everyone else in the office will think because I have always been told that my face totally gives me away and I often have to talk to him in front of people. I do not want anyone to make fun of me.
— O.C., London W8
A. Simply go to Oxfam and buy a pair of secondhand, thick-lensed glasses of the sort which would have been worn by someone really short-sighted. Pop them on when you are talking to your boss and, since you will see only the outline of a shadowy figure, your natural facial responses will be automatically curbed. In this way you can ensure your colleagues will not suspect the truth.
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