Q. I am approaching my 50th birthday and I want to have a party for around 100 people. There is an ideal space near where we live in London. It belongs to a friend, who has kindly offered it to us free, but is only really suitable for 100 people. Since we cannot afford to have more than 100, this suits us fine. Now, having finished compiling my must-invite list, I see it exceeds 180 people. There is no way I can prune this list without causing grave offence. What can I do, Mary?
A. Just ensure you have your party on a Saturday night, preferably to coincide with a boarding-school exeat weekend. Since most people in their fifties live in the country or go there at weekends, you can be sure that a large proportion of your friends will be unable or unwilling to attend a party held in London on a Saturday night. You can still ask all 180, and have the credit for it, but by holding the party on a Saturday night you will find the list will be self-pruning.
Q. Is there a tactful way of finding out who else is going to a house party before accepting? I know it is bad manners to ask but my problem is that, as a single man in my late thirties, I very often am asked, and regularly, by people I don’t know that well. On arrival it becomes clear that I have been set up with some single woman who is just not my type or, worse, she is my type but I am not hers. I cannot stand these social booby-traps any more and would just like to know how the land lies before I accept. I know this makes me sound arrogant so I am withholding my name and address.
A. Say ‘What a coincidence. I met someone else this week who was talking about you and saying they were coming to stay too. Now who was it? I must be going mad… oh this is driving me mad!’ Then stay silent while your host runs through the list. In this way you can at least be psychologically prepared for what romantic possibilities may await you in the house party.
Q. I always thought you could never have enough servants but now that I live part of the time in the Middle East I realise I was wrong. Whenever I go to raid the fridge in the privacy of my own greed someone jumps forward to ask can they get something for me. Whenever I sit down in a chair someone comes forward to ask if they can do something for me. Worse, they stay in the room in case you have need of them. My problem is that I can’t help feeling guilty about the fact that all I want to do all day is lie around reading and everywhere around me are witnesses to what they must feel is a display of laziness. What do you suggest, Mary?
A. Why not make occasional notes in pencil in the margins of the books you are reading? The servants will thereby gain the impression that what you are doing must be work of some kind. Not only will this chore make you feel less guilty, you may even become faintly self-righteous, as it will be something of a nuisance to perform.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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