Q. Several chums have contacted me ‘as friends’ to alert me to the latest rumour about my extracurricular activities — to wit, according to the local Notting Hill bush telegraph, I am having an affair with a banker worth several hundred million in our social circle. As ever, I am last to know. This is annoying on several levels: I am married, so is he; though I enjoy the company of the chap in question, we’ve yet to exchange Christmas cards, let alone anything more intimate. I also resent the implication that I would commit adultery with someone just because he is rich, handsome and kind, and the disrespect to my husband and, indeed, his wife that this gossip entails. I want to scotch this baseless rumour (not the first, I might add) without seeming to protest too much. Help, Mary!
Name and address withheld
A. You should not take this personally. False rumours circulate constantly about all interesting people. There is little point trying to scotch them since a social need for them exists. Serving as starting points for discussions among those thinking of embarking on affairs themselves or indeed already engaged upon one, they self-generate on the flimsiest of evidence. Discussion of your ‘affair’ enables them to gauge reactions to their own projected or ongoing one. As undeserving protagonist in this imaginary scandal, your best move is to carry on as normal.
Q. I’m on a joint contract on a very nice two-bed flat in Hoxton. My flatmate told me he wanted to give two months’ notice because he had found an amazing new pad. Which was fine by me. We hadn’t had any row, the contract was ending and I was happy to give notice myself as I am ready to move on too. He moved out immediately and asked if he might sub-let his room for the remaining two months to cover the rent. I said, ‘Sure, as long as it’s a friend, or a friend of a friend, or someone you vaguely know.’
One day I came home and a girl was looking around the flat. She seemed nice enough but when I asked how she knew my flatmate she said, ‘I met him on the internet where he’s advertising the room.’
Worse still, she doesn’t work and she’s sleeping on friends’ sofas at the moment. He asked her to pay a deposit, but only of £500, which would not even cover my Rolex watch. After she left, I told him no way could this random stranger move in. His response was to get his mum to call me up and have a go at me for being selfish. He is 26 (and so am I). Now we’re in a stand-off. What should I do?
K.G., Hoxton
A. You are right and he is wrong. Ring the letting agents and ask whether — in a hypothetical situation — they would be happy for an unknown girl to move in if your former flatmate’s mother was to stand as guarantor for any damages, losses or squatting problems. If they say yes, then put the ball back in his court and let him get on with organising it.
Q. How should I reply to acquaintances who ask how my husband’s business is going? The answer is badly, but I do not want to be drawn into discussion of it.
Name and address withheld
A. Go into Stepford Wife mode as you reply, ‘Oh terribly I expect. But he’s really good about not bringing work problems home because he knows how I worry.’
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