Q. Arriving for a weekend celebration, I was announced and entered a room in which everyone stood at once in a random formation to greet me. There was the couple who had invited me to mark their golden wedding, their daughter and son-in-law, in whose house I was now to be resident as a guest, and the parents of the son-in-law, who were nearest to my point of entry. Bearing in mind that the latter, I fear, are easily slighted, in what order should I have greeted the people present? It did not help that cheeks and handshakes were proffered simultaneously. To avoid embarrassment, please just use my initials if you print this!
T.R.W., address withheld
A. Unless royalty is present, the only issue here is of positional precedence. You should greet people in order of their proximity to the door you have come through. There is no need to be presidential about it — but it is best to train yourself to enter roomfuls of people with eyes pre-glazed. In this way serial slightees cannot be offended, as you will not make eye contact until the moment when you are standing in front of them and responding to their proffered cheek or handshake.
Q. An old friend and I met for dinner at the Academy Club in Soho. I was slightly thrown by someone at the next table asking me, quite out of context, if I had ever written anything and was I an intellectual. As I floundered for a reply, my old friend cried, ‘Oh, of course Anne is an intellectual!’, which I found highly embarrassing. How could I have answered such a preposterous question without being rude?
A.C., London W8
A. You should have replied pleasantly. ‘Oh no. I am afraid I am an airhead. How about you?’
Q. Further to your letter last week about people crashing their seats back on long-distance flights, I long ago developed a technique for dealing with this problem. You pre-empt it by being prepared. As soon as the person in front starts gyrating, as a prelude to reclining fully, press your knees rigidly against the back of their seat. Because of restricted leg room in ‘goat class’, this is only too easy to do. The seat backs are invariably well-cushioned and they will not feel your knees. Instead they will assume that a faulty mechanism is at play and will very soon give up trying. It is unlikely they will bother to ask the stewardess to help them out, as she will have already made it clear that any extra service these days may be chargeable. I travel to the Middle East and back at least once a year and like to continue sitting upright during the flights so that I can read. This method has always worked for me.
Name and address withheld
A. Thank you for giving readers this tip.
Q. Sorry to be a bore, Mary, but I am confused. Can you rule once and for all on the words ‘toilet’ and ‘pardon’? Are they now acceptable?
M.D., London SW12
A. The word ‘toilet’ is now totally acceptable. It had to become so, partly because of the difficulty of making oneself understood in cinemas and other public places, but mainly because schoolchildren are given no other option but to use it. The word ‘pardon’ is not. It can still only be used as part of the sentence, ‘I beg your pardon.’
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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