Q. I attend a small weekly prayer group in my tiny local church. Some mildly personal (not intimate) matters are made topics of prayer. Before the last meeting, being a moderately vain male, I happened to have my hair styled and lightly tinted (my natural colour). Immediately on my leaving the church, the remaining three parishioners broke out into raucous laughter (I could hear them through the solid oak door). The laughter was clearly a reaction to me; I am not being paranoid. I feel reluctant to join them again, yet I should not be kept away by their finding me ridiculous. Should I ask them bluntly why they laughed at me? (‘Was it my hair, what I said, or just me?’) Or are there subtler means of discovering the precise cause of their mirth while indicating my clear displeasure?
L.W., NSW, Australia
A. It is by no means certain that your own appearance was the source of mirth. Solve the mystery next week by allowing your face to light up merrily as you announce, ‘Oh, by the way, last week I heard roars of raucous laughter as I was leaving but I was in too much of a hurry to come back and find out what it was about. Do let me share in the joke.’ If they give a shifty response, you can assume the worst. Then you must forgive them (mentally, not verbally) and join in the laughter about yourself. Propose the notion, ‘I know we’re all supposed to respect each others’ foibles in a group like this but I know I’m ridiculous and you must sometimes feel you are too. It’s so helpful when your friends tip you off. So do tell me, was it the hair? Or something else? And I promise to tell you if I feel there is something about any of you which distracts us from our purpose.’ The group can only benefit from thus acquiring this new dimension of truthfulness.
Q. I have been visiting a number of leading restaurants recently and find that waiters increasingly have the annoying habit of saying ‘enjoy’ — or even worse ‘enjoy your meal’, as they deposit a plate of the chef’s efforts at the table. Constant interference is another irritation. On one occasion different members of staff intruded on my delicate tête-à-tête more than six times during the course of dinner — all to enquire if ‘everything was all right’ with the food. I shall despair if I have to continue to endure these demeaning directives and interruptions, as this is all having a serious affect on my digestion and my general enjoyment of eating ‘out’. I believe that I am perfectly capable of ascertaining for myself if I can enjoy and appreciate food. I would not hesitate in making my feelings very clear to these people if I was on my own — but in company it is a different matter. It is not as though these establishments, with their pretensions of serving fine cuisine in a sophisticated atmosphere, are even cheap. I simply do not want to cause embarrassment to my guests or hosts and gain a reputation as a complainer. Mary, what can be done?
P.D., Cirencester, Glos
A. Whether you are hosting the party or not, you can assume that no one else will welcome either the directive to enjoy or the intrusions, so pre-empt the nuisance by confiding in the maitre d’ that your party will be discussing some rather complex matters and that you will let the waiters know if you are not entirely satisfied.
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