Q. What is the etiquette of hospital visiting? A friend in his fifties is about to spend six weeks in a London hospital recovering from a heart operation. He will be in a private room. He is going to be fine but he will feel a bit fragile, so can you advise me how long I should stay, what I should bring, and, since I am one of his closest friends, whether I should organise a rota so that people don’t overlap? He is a very popular (and newly eligible) man, so he will have no shortage of visitors.
— S.B., London W6
A. The classic gaffes to make when hospital visiting are to eat the food you have brought as a present, talk about ‘lifestyle choices’ and whether they led to the health condition the patient has been suffering from, enquire about the patient’s relationship with God or — when the patient is ‘eligible’ — to bring along a singleton who your friend hardly knows. Don’t get involved in organising a rota. It will be too stressy when London traffic causes people to cock up. The kindest thing you can do for this patient is, with his agreement, to put a note on his door saying: ‘He is very tired. He will say he wants you to stay as long as possible but he doesn’t mean it. Please stay for no more than 20 minutes.’
Q. I have been invited to spend Christmas in a very grand house. What could I possibly bring to my hosts in the way of a Christmas present? I can’t think of anything they don’t already have. In the past I have successfully used your advice that a large sheet of first-class stamps never goes amiss, but this house has an estate office attached which does all that sort of thing for the family.
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