Q. A few weeks ago we had a 25th wedding anniversary dance. Old and new friends came from far and wide. A clutch of beautiful presents was left for us in the hall, which we did not expect. One had an unsigned card (from a Dover Street Art Gallery). The present is the most stunning set of silver salad servers. I am in agony at being unable to thank the kind person who gave us these. Going through the guest list, I eliminated all those who gave presents with cards attached. Then I picked three particularly stylish girlfriends who were likely to have given such a present; I emailed them with my mystery but felt embarrassed. All three said they weren’t the donors but said, ‘Your present is still being made.’ Oh dear — this crippled me with further embarrassment and I now won’t inquire further down the list. What shall I do, since I cannot live for the rest of my life not knowing whom to thank?
C.W., Devon
A. The Round Robin means of communication is, of course, normally unacceptable. Recipients resent the impersonality of the one-size-fits-all mentality but few would object if one was used to notify Lost Property findings. Invent a catalogue of bogus items left behind following the dance, casually including ‘a pair of silver salad servers’ among them. Send this out by email or post to all remaining suspects. By acting daft in this way you will be able to identify your benefactors. ‘I can’t believe they are a present! How generous!’, you can shriek. Most pertinently, since no one need reply unless they wish to make a claim, this method will avoid giving an impression that you are soliciting further presents.
Q. I have a friend who is giving much offence by first making good friends in the course of business and then, as soon as the business is completed, looking through those same friends at parties. What I would like to know, Mary, is whether such behaviour, which was once the exclusive preserve of a well-known elderly publisher, is now par for the course. Or is it still, as it once was, conduct unbecoming?
P.W., Hedgerley, Bucks
A. Of course this is conduct unbecoming but ultimately it is more of a problem for the cutter than the cuttee. The cutter can make enemies while the cuttee should not take the cutting personally. Experienced cuttees are aware that being ignored at a party by an old friend is no reflection on their considered value. Indeed it is a compliment — since the cutter clearly assumes that this established friendship is secure and can be more appropriately serviced outside the superficial arena of a party. Such an occasion can be better used to interact with new and second-division friends. One by-product of social and professional success is the physical impossibility of interacting with every single one of the friends and acquaintances who may be in the same room at a typical social gathering. According even the minimum of five minutes per person means one can only ‘process’ a maximum of 12 people per hour. For this reason — and to their own detriment — cutters are often paralysed by the confusion of choice and fail to make even facial acknowledgement of the presence of some of their favourite people.
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